Chapter 37

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Chapter 37

I never understood why I felt the way I did toward Bliss. After my Father died nothing really made sense anymore. You would think I would take it just to keep peace with the only family member I had left. That's what I did, at first. It was like my own messed up anti-depressant, and in those times I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes.

The days I did take Bliss I felt myself slipping away from the part of me that held onto my Father. The thing about Bliss is that it's much worse than any other drug you can imagine. It's purposely addictive. The government wants you to want it in your system. I was becoming a person I didn't want to be in order to feel accepted by the women who wasn't fond of me. Felix pointed all of these things as I tried to bury them behind Bliss.

When I finally stopped I realized that I had become the person I loathed the most. I was trying to mask the pain. My father's death hit me hard. I was just like him in every aspect and it was painful to look in the mirror to see his eyes, his nose, his ears, and face shape on myself. My dad was all I had left and even though my mother was around I had already lost her.

The day Felix came to me about Bliss was the first time I discovered that I had the opportunity to do something good for myself and everyone else here. He told me about becoming a Grunger and without hesitation I knew this is what I wanted. It didn't matter that he left out some of the most significant details, it wouldn't have affected my decision that day. The day I became a Grunger everything changed and I didn't feel so helpless.

I thought if I became a Grunger then the connection with my dad would stay alive. Even though I was wrong and now know that the people you love are always with you, I have never looked back or regretted joining. The day Felix gave me the symbol was one of the happiest days of my life (other than the ones I spent in Amity.) It made it feel official and showed me that there was no turning back. That this was the path I needed to be on and I was going to stand by what I believed in from start to finish. The road I've taken is outrageous and there have been times when I felt everything kept pushing me under water and I wasn't ever going to resurface. One glance at my tattoos and I remembered my purpose. It didn't matter how the day ended I was going to continue to push myself and take the good with the bad. It was all I had, and it was all I needed. 

Things don't always go as planned. As a young girl I always thought about my future. I always thought that I would go to school, get a job I loved, marry the love of my life, start a family, and live a happy life. Bliss eliminated the possibility of that ever happening by taking those rights away. And as I think back, that isn't what I want, not anymore. Being in the spot I am is a surreal feeling that brings mixed emotions. Ever since I was labeled a Voyant I found purpose in my life and everything made sense. Every decision I've ever made has lead me to this point, its lead me to this exact moment. It's daunting to hold such a power, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Every day for the next week was a struggle. I would sit in the cafeteria, the food staring at me. I couldn't eat but Atrix wouldn't allow us to skip meals so I was forced to shovel the food down. My sleep pattern had already been interrupted due to the nightmares. Now I would lay in my bed deep into the night staring blankly at the ceiling. The times I did fall asleep it would only take a few hours before the nightmares would awaken me.

During that week we still trained but it became less frequently. It went from eight hours a day to three hours here, one hour here, two hours there. They had completely cut out the Voyant training. Malakai had said they needed us in top condition for the mission. They wanted us wound free and not sore.

The days we lacked in training were made up with endless meetings about the plan. The plan wasn't complex by any means yet Atrix was persistent that we had it down. A few hours a day was also dedicated to the uniforms we were supposed to wear and the weapons Atrix wanted to send in with us. It was one of the most stressful weeks of our lives. The fourth day we were all feeling the pressure and without sleep I was beginning to feel more anxious than the rest.

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