Dear No One | Ethan Dolan Fan Fiction

Chapter 5- Depression

~A Few Weeks Later ~

Dear No One,

Gray skies
Hopeless eyes
Run, run, run
We can still catch the sun
But you leave me all alone
And now I am on my own
No longer hope the sun does hold
And underwater I am being pulled

I wrote that last night on one of many sleepless nights. Interpret it however you like, but my feelings are all in that poem.

I know I haven't written in a nearly a month, so here's why. After that first week back at school, I fell into depression. I ate hardly anything and I couldn't sleep. Even though I couldn't sleep, I physically could not get out of bed in the morning. I had no energy and constantly felt sick. I often throw up or have dry heaves, probably because I eat next to nothing. I began to have excessive suicidal thoughts. On one of my "good days" I threw away all the knives and objects that I could use to harm myself. I did that after I cut. The pain temporarily took my mind of things, but I am ashamed of it. The scars will be there forever, reminding me that I am a lousy failure.

I am drowning in serious depression, and no one cares. I am lonely and no one is here. I feel sick and no one helps me. I cry and no one dries my tears. I am unloved.

-Britt

I flop into bed and lay there, but every time I close my eyes, I see Haley hurting me and my mom. Except in my dreams, she isn't the one physically hurting us. In each dream, she yells out a horrible insult, and then a whip appears and hits me or my mom. It's hell.

~The next morning~
My eyes shoot open, and I sit straight up in bed, breathing hard. I am exhausted, but I refuse to go back to bed for fear the dream might resume. I pull myself up and lean over to look at the clock. It is 11:30, Wednesday morning.  I haven't been to school in 3 days. My mom knows I'm depressed, and she is trying to save enough money to see a therapist, so in the mean time, I'm home. I reach over and grab my laptop. I turn it on and log onto Twitter out of habit. Immediately messages flood in; most are taunts and mean messages from Haley.

One says:
"Why are you hiding at home Brittany? Scared of me? Well you haven't seen anything yet."

I close my eyes and fight off hot tears, then continue scrolling.

"You are such a f****** idiot. No one like you. I wish you would just die already. The world doesn't need more useless emo b****** like you."

Tears leak my eyes as I read.

"Girl you are so f******* ugly; no wonder no one likes you. NO ONE could ever love you, and if they try, I won't let them."

I close the computer and sob loudly. I need to get out. I need to escape this dark abyss of depression. I try to stand up, but I am weak. I slip and fall hard on my arm. I peel off my black fuzzy socks and stumble to the kitchen. I go into the freezer and grab a tub of Moose Tracks ice cream and collapse back onto my bed. I eat the entire container within 15 minutes.

I catch a reflection of myself in my laptop screen. My dark hair is frizzy and knotted together, and all I am wearing is an oversized black t shirt. Even though I am skin and bones, I feel fat from eating all the ice cream. I feel it coming up my throat. I swallow hard and fight it back down, but the acid burns my throat and it all comes up. Vomit spills all over my keyboard and inbetween the keys. I climb under the covers and pull them over my head, and pray I don't dream of Haley.

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I am reading so many other good books on here right now, and I am completely unmotivated to write since hardly any one is reading this. I want to start phanfiction, so we'll see. Hopefully I can write some more soon, but with school....

- Erica