Dear No One | Ethan Dolan Fan Fiction

Chapter 24- Without You

~ Britt's POV ~

I stand there, knees shaking as I take deep breaths. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Dark circles stick out on my pale face, and my eyes are noticeably red. I plaster a fake smile to my face, and look into the mirror. It doesn't even begin to cover my sadness.

A lot has changed between Grayson and I. Somehow Ethan's death brought us closer... I guess because we both lost someone we love with all our hearts, and we both screwed up. I failed, he failed. I no longer see him as the monster he once was. We both became monsters; we both slowly poisoned him without even realizing it. Then Ethan's death spun our worlds out of control. It's been 3 days, and we're slowly learning how to stand together a top the violent sea called life.

I sit on the front pew of the church, knees shaking. Light streams through the stained glass windows, shining down on all the people gathered here to see Ethan for the last time. The pastor stands on the platform, saying something about how young Ethan was, and what a difference he made in those few years, and I can already feel the tears pooling in my eyes. I'm done fighting myself, I let them slip one by one from my red eyes. Suddenly, I feel a warm arm wrap around me, and turn to see Grayson giving me a sad smile. I rest my head on his shoulder and press my body against his. My body is shaking with chills beneath my lacy black dress. One by one, people that he knew step up to say something about him. I don't know most of them. I recognize Nate, Alex, some of his friends from school, his grandparents, his dad, his mom, Cameron, Grayson and then I hear my name. My feet suddenly feel like weights, and my heart thunders in my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut, and imagine Ethan smiling at me. When I open my eyes, I stand up and slowly make my way up to the podium, avoiding the open coffin. I pull my notes out from my pocket. My mouth feels dry, but I take a deep breath, and let out a small choked sound.

"Um, h-hi I'm Britt. I was one of Ethan's... close friends. I didn't know Ethan Dolan for long, yet I would consider him my best friend. What we had in those few months was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced."

I close my eyes and force back tears. People are watching, but I can hardly continue. The thought overwhelms me. I fight to keep going for Ethan.

"Ethan and I first met because he stood up for me when I was being bullied. He was just amazing like that. He saw someone hurting, and he didn't hesitate to help, even if it compromised his own safety. Ethan and I became friends after that. I was going through a lot, and he helped me through it all with a smile on his face, when inside, he was falling apart. And then..."

My voice cracks and it won't be long before the tears come.

"H-he realized that I was no good for him. He was b-better off without me. He needed people to build him up, not destroy him. I was a toxic poison to him. I was suffering from depression, and self harming. I divided him and his twin. He told me he didn't want to see me again. And I was heartbroken, because I had fallen in love with this beautiful boy. I fell apart without him to hold me together. I was so selfish. All I wanted was him. And so I a-a-attempted s-suicide. And i- I failed, but in the process, I broke his heart. He couldn't make it without me, just like I couldn't without him. I'm the reason he's not here with us right now."

The tears are flowing now, and I sob into my hands.

"I-I'm sorry."

I crumple to the ground next to his coffin. Tears stream down onto Ethan's dead body. I will never see him again. I will never feel his comforting arms around me again. I will never get to laugh with him again. I will never cry with him again. I won't feel his lips press to mine. I won't get to fall in love with the love of my life. I loved him so much. I will always love him. Until the end of time.

He looks so beautiful in his suit, but his beautiful eyes will never open again.

All my worst fears are coming true. I press my lips against his, but I feel nothing. His lips are cold and empty; dead just like the rest of him.

I scream as I realize that I am kissing what is considered a corpse. He's no longer a person. His existence has ceased. He's  D E A D.

My whole world is blurry and unstable at this realization. It finally sank in. He's not coming back.

I am shaking horribly, my whole body vibrating. Every possible emotion is rushing through my body. Then I feel his arms around me. I turn to see not Ethan, but Grayson. I tense at the touch, but calm myself down. I don't know that I'll ever fully forget what he did to me.

"We'll be okay," he whispers.

Before I stand, I slip my diary into Ethan's coffin. Each of the entries were thoughts before what I thought would be my death, but I am letting go of my anger, my fear, and I will get help for my depression and anxiety. I want to be the person that Ethan was to me. If I can make a difference for people in my situation, I want to do that. Only after Ethan's death did I realize how wrong I was. I had no idea the effect that I had on the people around me. I refuse to live in self pity anymore, and all my old thoughts in that diary are dying with Ethan. I will be strong for him. I clear my throat and step off the platform.

~ Later that day ~

I stand trembling in front of the coffin, watching as they prepare to close it. It doesn't seem real. I've been upside down, and I don't want to be the right way around without him. I'm not ready to let go, but I have no choice. Tears slip down my cheeks, and I close my eyes as the coffin is closed. I feel a hand brush against mine, and Grayson fingers and mine intertwine, but I don't fight it. It's comfortable. It's comforting.

I'll never fully lose Ethan. He will never be gone. He is as much a part of me as my heart is. He keeps me going. He will always be in my thoughts. He will always be remembered by me and everyone else who loved him. I will make a difference for others like he did for me. I promise him that each time I visit his grave.

Since I've been walking solo
Dreaming you were back home
I find getting down low
Hide until tomorrow

Come back into the good life
Lose these hazy love lies
I've been chasing my mind
Lonely in the cold nights

Cause I'm kicking up stones without you
Can't pick up the phone without you
I'm a little bit lost without you
Without you

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I just wanted to say that as you see in this story, suicide is a horrible thing that affects everyone around you. Taking your life is never the right thing to do. God has given us all this precious gift of life, and we should not take it for granted. If you are struggling with depression or have suicidal thoughts or know someone who is, visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for more information or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7. There is always a reason to keep living.

I GUESS THIS IS IT?! IM NOT READY FOR THIS BOOK TO END YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS BOOK IS MY CHILD. I just wanted to say that writing this book has been an amazing experience, and I look forward to writing many more ;-) I don't want to say too much because I am going to be writing one last chapter to thank all of you! Oh and by the way hello to my new 660 READERS! THANKS FOR 5.16K YOU GUYS ARE SO AMAZING THATS WHY I'M WRITING A WHOLE CHAPTER ABOUT YOU ALL! Also, I will be rewriting a TON of stuff that I hate (very gradually)so keep this in your library. Ily and thank you for everything!
-Erica