Dear No One | Ethan Dolan Fan Fiction

Chapter 23- I'm Sorry

~ Ethan's POV ~
3 days. 3 days have passed. In 4 days, her chances of waking up decrease from 50% to 25%. That's what the nurse told me after the first day.

Time is such a strange thing. The person I love most in the world could be dying, yet time goes on. My whole word is violently shaking, shattering beneath my feet, and no one seems to notice. Time slips between my fingers in long vines with thorns that tear at my flesh, but I can only watch in horror through my bloodshot eyes. My limbs have slowly turned to sticks, but I have lost interest in myself. I hardy notice that my ribs show from beneath my pale skin, my body is encompassed by a cloud of odor, my greasy skin is dotted with acne, and my hair lays in greasy, knotted curls that fall into my eyes. Instead of caring about all this, I am knelt by Britt's bed wondering how a 15 year old boy can stop time completely. It was then that I realized my birthday is in 2 weeks. Grayson and I will be 16. A 16 year old boy should be in school on a Wednesday afternoon, but instead I'm here. He should be struggling in math or laughing with his friends or playing tackle football or eating disgusting amounts of junk food or ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS.

At the thought of food, my throat burns from the rising acid that my stomach forces upward in an angry tantrum. I lean away from the bed and prepare to throw up in a trash can, but all I get are dry heaves and a bit of liquid. No food. Presumably because I've eaten nothing for 3 days. I'm hardly aware that a full fluorescent moon has replaced the setting sun. All I see are the flickering hospital lights. I often feel sick from the sterile smell of medicine and chemicals that permeate the building. It's utter hell.

I watch the line on her heart monitor slowly rise and fall with each beat of her heart. The sight of it's rhythmic movement soothes me. It makes me feel safe to see that she is still alive. My eyelids slowly droop. I'm tired of fighting myself. I let myself fall into a dreamless sleep. Instantly everything disappears in a sea of nothingness. I feel nothing, I see nothing, I am nothing.

I wake up to the sound of a loud alarm. I jerk out of my slumber and realize the line on her heart monitor is flat.

"NO NO NO," I yell.

Footsteps pound around me. Doctors wearing surgical masks run in. They hook her up to even more machines, desperately trying to bring her back. I should be screaming and crying, but all I feel is numbness. My mind can't comprehend what is happening. The world is blurry and sounds are muffled. I'm in a room full of doctors yet I'm completely alone. I pinch myself as hard as I can, blood trickling out of my pierced skin. That's when it starts to sink in. She's dying. This is it. And I run.

My feet pound against the hospital floor as I fly out the doors.  I don't even notice the awkward stares from people around me. I just run. As fast as I can. My lungs burn as I run. My whole life is chasing me and I have no escape as it swallows me alive.

I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.
I killed Britt.

The words are cutting into my brain and ripping apart the shattered remains of my heart. I fall to the ground in a sea of people. Life is moving faster and faster, but it's all standing still for me. I can't breathe. I literally can not inhale. The jagged breaths are caught in my throat. I'm surrounded by people yet completely alone. My energy is gone. My joy is gone. The very things that made me who I am are gone. The life in me is gone. I feel no emotion. Instead I feel an empty pain in my chest that burns within me. I close my eyes. Everything is shattering and it's my mistake.

And thats when I realize what I want to do.

I use the last ounces of my energy to stand and walk the all too familiar road to Britt's house.

I slip the key into the door and open it. It's just as it was when I ran from it 3 days ago. I solemnly make my way to Britt's room. I freeze in my tracks, as memories come rushing in. The whole room smells like her. I bury my face in her bed sheet and inhale her scent, tears pricking my eyes. I take a deep breath and stand up. I pick up the letter she wrote in her dying moments.

Go make the world a better place. Do it for me. I love you.

I kneel down and pick up what's left of the scattered pills that took her life. If only she could have known how much I care about her and love her. Maybe she would still be alive. I am a monster.

I am not brave.
I am not strong.
I am not honorable for doing this.
I am weak.
She told me to go on.
She told me to make the world a better place.
But I can't.

i cant.

"I'm sorry Britt," I whisper.

i slip the pills into my mouth and lie down in her bed. she smells like lemongrass and sleep.

and i love her.

~ Britt's POV~

why are the lights so bright?

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Why has this book become an emotional rollercoaster? I am so sorry for all the tears that have been shed over this book. And by the way, WHERE DID ALL 750 OF YOU COME FROM? When I last updated, this book had 3.75K reads and now we have 4.5K?!?! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! That is absolutely insane and I am just in awe at the support this book is getting. I still get really excited when I see a comment or a vote from someone. I absolutely love talking to you all. (nudges people who don't vote) Oh um sorry about the wait. I rewrote this so many times and it just kept turning out crap but now I'm back! I LOVE YOU ALL THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

-Erica