Dear No One | Ethan Dolan Fan Fiction

Chapter 18- Regret

Dear No One,

People always say depression is a state of mind, not a real condition. That all you have to do is believe you are happy and everything will be okay. But depression doesn't work like that; pretending that everything is okay doesn't lift the overwhelming dark feelings that envelop you. Depression isn't just a dip in the road, it's a downward spiraling, inescapable dark abyss filled with the screams of other drowning, hopeless victims. Many go in, few come out.

And depression now has me, tied up in its ever-tightening arms that slowly suffocate the life out of my body. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can hardly live. I am held hostage to my dark thoughts and comforted only by my nightmares. They intoxicate my brain and fill it with poison that slowly overwhelms me. They blot out the sun leaving me in complete darkness. Thieves like the darkness, because it conceals them from people. But even the powerful darkness can not hide me from my thoughts, which viciously hunt me down and strangle me while I sleep.

The pills are buried under my pillow, but I can't bring myself to swallow them. I'm a weak coward; I can't even end my own agonizing pain. Each time I touch one, I see Ethan's eyes when he saw my scars. Full of sadness, confusion, and a tiny hint of anger. I feel his comforting arms wrapping around my shaking body. I tell myself he doesn't care about me anymore and try to put the pills in my mouth, but instead, I lose control of my emotions. His words replay in slow motion, and I feel his hands that held me close shove me to the ground, destroying everything between us in a few seconds.

It's been two weeks. Two weeks of absolute torture. Two weeks since I've spoken to Ethan Dolan. Two weeks since I've made eye contact with Ethan Dolan. Two painful agaonizing weeks that are slowly killing me. Two weeks since I've eaten a proper meal. Two weeks since I've slept more than 3 hours in one night. Two weeks since I've smiled. Two weeks since I felt anything other than a burning sadness and loneliness. I was right. I was stupid to believe that he cared about me. I was right once again: Love is more cruel than hate, because it makes you feel valuable, but it's all gone in an instant, leaving you worse off than before. And now here I am completely devastated over yet another person that I foolishly trusted and cared about. But two weeks later, despite what he did to me, I am still madly in love with Ethan Dolan. When I see his face at school, his eyes avoiding mine, instead of being angry, my heart still flutters just like before. My feeling haven't changed; I can't stop loving him. I hate him so much for making me fall in love with him and making me believe he cared about me, but yet I can't stop loving him. I am hopelessly in love with Ethan Dolan.

-Britt

"I will never let go."

~ Ethan's POV ~

I'm standing in a giant field of flowers, blowing gently in the breeze. The sky is a brilliant blue, accented by green leaves on branches that reach for the sky. A beautiful girl is walking through the field, picking flowers and adding them to her bouquet. A flower crown encircles her head, filled with wild flowers nearly as gorgeous as her. She wears a peach sundress that blows in the breeze; I am transfixed by her beauty. Then, I see a boy step out in front of her. He smacks the flowers from her hands and throws her flower crown to the ground while hurling insults at her. Where just a moment ago there was beauty, now there is only pain and fear. The girl tries to run, but he grabs her by the dress, and shoves her to the ground. I run to see who would shove this innocent girl and hurt her. When I reach the boy, his eyes lock on mine. They are my eyes. It is me.

I jerk awake, sweat pouring down my face. I'm dizzy, and the whole world is unsteady. I stumble to my emergency exit. I struggle to open the window and slip outside. I take deep inhales of the fresh air and try to calm myself. I don't even realize that I'm crying until tears are pouring off my face. I release my sobs; they start off soft and gradually grow louder until I'm practically screaming.

I was such a jerk, caught up in the moment. I f***** up bad. I only cared about myself. I thought making her pay would make me feel better, but it only made things worse because I miss her horribly. I realize now how much I love her, but it's a little late for that. I blew it. How could she ever forgive me for that? I did the very thing that so many people already did to her, and that I promised I would never do. I still love her, more than she will ever realize. I can't lose her. "I love you Britt," I whisper, wishing she could hear me. "I will never let go."

~ Britt's POV ~

I lay in bed sobbing inconsolably, when suddenly I hear my door open. Who is hear at 2AM? As they move closer, I realize its my mother.
"I couldn't sleep while hearing my baby girl crying," she whispers.
She pulls me into a warm hug, and I instantly feel a little bit better.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.
Despite what happened with Dad, I need her now more than ever.
"S-so you know how I'm bullied and stuff and about Haley right? Well Haley got a new boyfriend, Grayson, and he started bullying me. Then, his twin brother Ethan intervened," I choke. Tears slip down my cheeks as I struggle to continue.
"Ethan stood up for me like no one ever had. He and I became friends. We hung out together and helped me through everything. He made the immense pain bearable. A-a-and h-h-h-he," I croak the last few words.
"He promised he would never hurt me," I whisper. I break out crying again, and my mom just holds me for a bit.
"And then he hurt you," my mom finishes.
I nod.
"Grayson basically disowned him because he chose me over him, and he lashed out at me. H-he told me h-he never wanted to see m-me again.. and then h-h-h-he s-s-shoved," I break down again.
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN FOR HIM! I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO HURT ME JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! LOVE IS A STUPID LIE! ITS NOT REAL. ITS ONLY TEMPORARY...," I scream.
"And yet I'm still in love with Ethan Dolan," I whisper.
My mom takes me by the hands and looks me in the eyes.
"Honey that is not true. Love is a very real thing, and I know better than anyone else how painful it can be," she closes her eyes for a second, and when they open again, they are glassy.
"I know it hurts, but when you love someone enough, the pain is worth it. There are always conflict in relationships, and often both people mess up, but you have to forgive each other and move on, because you never want to lose your one true love," she whisper, tears running down her face.
"I still love Dad you know, and he loves me, but he realized it too late. Honey, if I you still love him, even after all of this, grab onto him and never let go," she says.
I smile at her, tears in my eyes. She hugs me even tighter.
"Don't lose Dad like I did. No one is perfect, and I'm sure he misses you just as much as you miss him," she whispers into my ear.
Then, she stands up and leaves the room leaving me with my thoughts. Just then, I hear knocking on my window and a quiet voice calling my name.

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OH MY GOSH GUYS WE'RE AT 1.97K READS WUT WUT WUT I am so happy!! Thanks for reading, and please vote this chapter! If you tag a friend in this story telling them to read it, I'll give you a shoutout in my next chapter ;) Hardly anyone has read my last 2 chapters :( so go check them out. And I was thinking maybe I could do a Q&A for 2K.. But idk if anyone would participate. If your interested, leave me a comment with a question in it or message me privately. Questions can be about ANYTHING; I'll answer them all, but I'll only do it if I have enough. Ask me as many questions as you want! ILY ALL THANKS FOR ALMOST 2K! I SERIOUSLY HAVE THE NICEST READERS x

-Erica

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