Dear No One | Ethan Dolan Fan Fiction

Chapter 17- Obliteration

Dear No One,

In about an hour, I'm going to the football game with Ethan, and I have mixed feelings about it. I almost feel like it's meant to be a date, but then I hear Haley's words in my head: "Girl you are so ugly; no wonder no one likes you. NO ONE could ever love you, and if they try, I won't let them." Who could ever love me? I am a mess; he only hangs out with me because he pities me. Some people say if you feel enough pain and get enough hate, they become used to it and they can just tune it out, but why can't I? It seems the more they hurt me, the more their words hurt. I just want to be numb. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to feel sadness or loneliness. I don't want to feel loved or happy, because those feelings are only temporary, fleeting emotions that leave scars behind. The happier you were, the more the pain hurts when you come crashing back to reality. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to feel the warmth of the hug, because the chill of when they let go over rides it. I don't want to be loved or to fall in love, because it makes me so vulnerable. The pain isn't worth it. People who say it's worth it haven't felt what I have felt. They have no idea what it feels like to love someone and then be hurt by them, over and over. Love is more cruel than hate, because it makes you feel valuable, but it's all gone in an instant, leaving you worse off than before. But I say this and yet I can't deny that I am hopelessly in love with Ethan Dolan. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH HIM! He will just rip open my wounds all over again. True everlasting love isn't real. Dad left mom, all my friends left me, but yet I don't think I will ever stop loving Ethan. The way he looks at me creates butterflies in my stomach and ties my tongue in knots. I am held captive to him, I can't escape his grasp. I need to him to breathe, and when he inevitably leaves me I will drown in my own blood and tears. I hate him so much. But I am deeply in love with Ethan Dolan.

- Britt

I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand up. I shut the journal and shove it into my closet. In the bathroom, I make an unsuccessful attempt to wash the red from my eyes and conceal the dark circles that lurk under my eyes. I dress in my classic pair of skinny black and a plain black hoodie. It's somewhat of an occasion, so I put in my only pair of earrings, black studs. I still have 10 minutes until I'm supposed to be there, but I decide to head over anyway. I should be more nervous that Grayson (the star player) will be there, but I am more afraid to face sweet, gentle Ethan, because he has the capability to hurt me far worse than Grayson ever could. I can't help but wonder if what Grayson said that night will have changed anything between us. Will he be the bad boy I know, or the pathetic boy who is desperate for my love? The second one scares me more. Besides, Haley said it best. Who could ever love me? Grayson can't really love me. He probably just told me all that to get me to keep my mouth shut about what he did to me.

I pull myself out of my swirling vortex of thoughts and realize that I'm on their doorstep. I hesitate for only a second before ringing the doorbell. Footsteps echo through the house, and the lock twists. The door opens revealing Grayson, dressed in his football jersey and shoulder pads. As soon as he sees me, his face darkens. He quickly turns around and calls Ethan, who stumbles down the stairs, still pulling on his maroon hoodie.

"Hey!" he says, pulling me into a quick, awkward hug. He smells of cologne and shampoo, and the wonderful scent fills my nose. He pulls away and awkwardly scratches his neck.
"We're leaving in a few minutes, so you can just hang out in the living room for a bit," he says.
"Ethan! Clean up this room, or you are not going anywhere!" his mom calls.
He smiles at me and then dashes to his room. I take a seat on their gray couch that faces a flat screen TV. One either side of the TV are stacks of movies and video games that are nearly as high as the TV. Between the TV and the couch is a long coffee table littered with magazines, books, movies, and video games ranging from "The Lord of the Rings" to golf magazines. I pick up a random magazine and leaf through it while I wait. The house is bustling with activity. Mrs. Dolan is checking on her sons, Ethan is cleaning up his room, Grayson is stretching in the hallway just across from me, and more than once, I catch him staring.