All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

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His shadow waltzed past me, causing me to jump. I instantly turn to search for him. There was no sign of him anywhere. I could feel him, I knew he was near me. But I couldn't see him. He was watching me. I felt his stare; watching me like an animal hunts his prey.

I am the prey.

My heart starts to pound, anticipating the worst. I hear his footsteps coming closer. The sound was from everywhere. Echoes. The walls begin to cave in on me, only bringing him closer. The steps pounded as they came closer.

It was then that I felt his breath on the back of my neck.

My eyes shoot open, my breathing labored. I hold my hand against my heart, trying to rid my body from the dream. The nightmare. That's all it was - just a figment of my screwed up subconsciousness.

I take deep breaths as I look around myself. Zack's guest bedroom. I'm here since Alex left me. Well not really, but he still dropped me off without a second thought. And told me that he regrets his decision to adopt me. Suddenly I can't breathe, and it's not from the lingering thought of the dream; of him.

I take as deep breaths as I can, keeping myself from not being able to. I think about the good times, times I've laughed so hard I cried.

Soon enough it works and I'm back to thinking about the dream. I can't escape it nor can I escape the past. It keeps coming back...

I'm interrupted from my thoughts when Zack rushes in the room. "I'm sorry, but Alex is here insisting to see you! Hide or something because he's coming and won't stay back." I quickly decide to jump under the bed before Alex rushes in exactly like Zack had warned.

"Damn it, Zack! Where is she? I need to talk to her. I don't have time for this. She needs to know I'm sorry." I hear Alex all but shout.

"Calm down, Alex," Zack tells him. "If she wanted to talk to you, she would. But do you see her here? Eager to talk to you, to hear you out? No. I don't know what you said to her before, but I hope you know that you fucked up. You fucked up bad. Even if she forgives you, she will never forget what you said."

I bite my lip to keep silent. I hear their mumbled exchange afterwards, distinctly hearing Alex saying he'll find me, that I'm here somewhere. That he knows he screwed up, 'that's why I'm trying to fix it!'

But really, what is there to fix? I'd have to forgive him and pretend he never said those harsh words. It'll linger in my head forever but what is fighting the inevitable going to do?

I sigh and slide out from under the bed. "Alex, what do you want?" I cross my arms over my chest, taking a seat on the bed. I play with my fingers. Zack sends a nod my way before leaving the room. At least one person knows what 'personal space' means. My fingers look red from where I previously squeezed them to calm myself.

It comes as quite a shock when Alex throws himself to the floor next to where I sit on the bed. He grabs at the fuzzy parts to my socks. I kick his hands away. "Alex. What do you want?"

Alex exhales loudly and looks up at me. His eyes look so sad but I don't care right now about how sad he is. "Look, I'm so sorry for it all. I know I mess up a lot, and I apologize a lot, but I mean the apologies! I screw up everything. It's what I do. And I do the wrong things a lot. I just need you to forgive me. Dropping you off here, and saying what I told you, instead of actually talking to you is quickly becoming one of my biggest regrets." He stops to take a breath and my facial expression is still solemn and unchanging. He understands what he did.

"I didn't mean what I said, when I practically told you I didn't want you. I don't know why I said it." My eyes roll at this new lie. When you're mad, you mean it. "But I truly don't want you to hate me. I'm your...dad, and I don't want you to feel like I don't want you around. I do. I've never wanted someone to stay so close to me. And I won't lose you or your trust over something I said when I was mad."

"So I'm sorry. For being the biggest idiot and constantly doing the wrong things. I need to get it right. And I will. Just please," he begs me, "give me time to learn how to do it and to be a better parent. And come home to me."

Home.

I exhale loudly and lower myself slowly to the floor next to Alex. My shoulder is leaning against his (although he is much bigger than me so my shoulder is halfway up his arm). We sit there for a few minutes without a word being spoken.

"You're not a terrible parent, you're just an idiot." I send Alex up a small half-grin. He chuckles and nods.

"Can't disagree with you on that."

-

After much deliberation and having a long conversation with Zack, I make the decision to go back home with Alex. Zack partially tries to convince me to stay with him - which I wouldn't mind - but Alex tells him we have some 'bonding' to do.

To which I respond, "Sorry dude, I'm not into that kind of stuff. But if you are, then who am I to stop you?"

Then Alex flicks my cheek (again) and tells me that's gross and he's not into bondage either. We high five in celebration over the newfound dislike toward bondage.

"I just don't get it. Bondage is weird and why would people do that?" My nose scrunches up.

"Hey hey," Alex scolds. "No judging anyone else. If you like not being able to speak or something, I'm all for it." I smack his arm.

Zack helps me collect my things while Alex steals Zack's food.

"I'm gonna miss you here. I might have to get a dog or something. I guess I figured out how lonesome it is here. And it will be worse when you leave."

"I'll definitely come visit you so much you'll get tired of me. Jack could play the role of the dog, quite well probably because he's already a rat. Why don't you move in with them?" I ask him.

He chuckles. "Would YOU move in with them? Especially Jack? Good luck kid."

I laugh too. "Yeah I guess you're right."

He shrugs as to say "yeah, I know I'm right."

-

Later that night, I lay in my room alone. Alex agreed to give me my space for a while tonight. He wants to talk more tomorrow about everything. He wants to know of my past, how he's made me feel, and what he should improve on. I went along with his request and told him I'll tell him a little of my past; but not too much. Some things are better left unsaid.

And it was okay.

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Oh jeez, I haven't updated in literally months. I've gotten so busy it's ridiculous. I saw All Time Low two days ago (Nov. 6) again and it inspired me to continue this. This chapter is short so I can get the next chapter set up. I definitely plan to get this story going. So thank you if you're still reading!