All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

Raleigh

The next thing I knew, it was after dark and I was lost... yet again. Alex and I hadn't spoken at all after we made it home. I knew he was angry at me for leaving and about the whole situation in general. I planned all afternoon instead. I made a plan to leave. Instead of waiting too long in case I wanted to back out, I decided it was best to leave as soon as I could. So I waited a few hours until Alex was asleep. I felt bad, just a little, because he was only doing his best. I want to do that for him too. His life was better without me, I've done nothing but cause problems for him. I'm doing him a favor, he just doesn't know it yet.

He fell asleep early on that night. I grabbed my notebook paper and my drawstring bag with some clothes and personal belongings and I quietly slipped out the front door.

I don't know how long I've been walking for. I DO know my next move - hitchhike. I'm terrified. As kids over the years, we've been told countless times to never hitchhike because strangers are bad, but I don't have any other choices laid out for me. It's not like I can walk up to Alex like, "hey, I'm trying to run away and get as far away from you as possible. Can I get a ride?"

I think I made it somewhere near civilization. I pull out my phone, that is currently on airplane mode and everything shut off so Alex won't think to check my location, to check the time. 2:36 am already? It was just 11:30. I know that I'm out of Baltimore, just not sure of anything else...

-

I shouldn't have done this. I managed to get the guts to hitchhike. I was picked up within two minutes. I should have trusted my instincts and just went home. This guy is giving me the creeps, he won't stop looking at me and... grinning. A funny grin. One of my hands grip the door of the car and the other grips my seatbelt. I can get through this. He hasn't said anything odd to me - just the casual 'what's a young girl like yourself doing out this late at night asking for rides from strangers' banter. He's brought me a long way, it's 6:20 am and we have long-since left Maryland. The further we go, the more scared I felt. I should have just talked to Alex. I know that the reason he adopted me doesn't matter because he's been nothing but a great parent to me. The further away from him I get, the worse I feel.

A while later, the man dropped me off at a rest stop. My first time hitchhiking didn't go as badly as the rumors say. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe my panicked expression threw him off. Either way, I'm grateful I wasn't murdered.

I glance at the landscape around me: nothing. There is nothing at all. I even turned on my phone for the slightest chance of having cell service so I can call Alex and beg him to forgive me and bring me home - nothing. I'm stuck. I'm lost. I'm in another state. I just want to be home.

I wipe my tear-stained face and begin to walk. I didn't want to just sit around and hope for the best. I decided to ditch my runaway plan and walk to whatever the closest city is and call Alex. I grabbed the water bottle the man gave me and began my journey. It was going to be a long time before I'm home. That scares me just as much as leaving did.

-

I made it through another several hours' worth of walking before an angel was presented before me. A very kind-looking woman smiled at me and offered a ride. She had a mini-van; she was absolutely a soccer mom. She told me everything about her four kids, the 'precious sweethearts' she had raised them to be.

"So you left him because of that?" Sarah asked me, not with a tone of judgement but instead one of curiosity.

"It seemed much worse yesterday, I guess. I don't know. I just felt everything at once. It was too much so yes, I left." I glanced out the window at the peaceful neighborhood she lived in.

"I understand that, honey. Your dad must be worried sick. You have to learn that running won't solve all your problems. I say this as kindly as I can. Please don't run like this. Anything could have happened to you and you'd never be able to apologize to him."

"Apologize? Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm sorry. It's just.. that's all I know. I used to do this back when I was in my foster homes. Nobody cared about me back then. I'm not used to the fact that someone does. And I just felt so... hurt. That's it. I was hurt and angry and now I just feel bad. I don't know what to tell him."

Sarah gave me a look of sympathy and pat my shoulder. "It's okay, sweetheart. Don't apologize to me, I was a kid once too. Don't beat yourself up over this. It's a learning experience. I trust you've learned enough out of this, haven't you?" I nodded. She continued, "alright then. As soon as we make it to my house, which should be within two minutes, you call him. You tell him you love him at the end, you understand? Don't let him forget. You have to tell him."

I nodded at her once more. I took this time to look at her features. She had a kind look on her face. She had light brown hair, shoulder-length. She wore casual blue jeans and a cute pink shirt. Her van was plastered with small toys and pieces of food I didn't want to look to closely at. Sarah was nicer to me than anyone was. Any stranger wouldn't go this out of their way to help a kid. No one does that.

"Thank you," I tell her. She gives me a wide smile and turns back to face the road. "This has helped me. I'm really sorry to drag you into it."

Sarah waved her arm and chuckled, "oh hon, you didn't drag me into it. I brought myself into it and I don't regret a second. Oh! Here we are."

I look at the fairly large house we pulled in front of - I was right, this house SCREAMS 'soccer mom.' I laughed and we walked into the house together.

-

The dial tone made me nervous. I just dialed Alex's number and I was so afraid of what he'd say. What if he didn't care and told me to say?"

"Hello?" A rough-sounding Alex questioned.

"Dad I'm so sorry," I speak quietly into the phone and immediately start crying.

"LEXI IS THAT YOU?" His voice is much louder now and much more alert.

I hiccup before continuing, "yes, I'm so so sorry for running away. I was just so mad at you and I'm used to running when I'm mad. I'm sorry. I understand if you don't want me anym-"

He cuts me off. "I love you, Lexi. Where are you?"

I ask Sarah about our location. "Don't get mad but I'm in Raleigh... North Carolina." I gulp, knowing he will yell at me.

Alex quickly responds, his voice soft. "I'm not mad at you. I know. It's okay. I'm coming to get you."

He asks me about the exact address and about Sarah and how I got here. I left out the hitchhiking part of the story, just for now. He gets off the phone quickly after that and I let out a huge breath.

"Thank you, Sarah. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this."

She stands up from her stool in the kitchen and sits next to me on the couch. "Of course. Please don't do that to him again. He sounded like he'd been crying, on the verge of a heart attack. He loves you. I know you think he doesn't because of the reason he adopted you, but he adores you. I can tell it in his voice. Be good to him. He's doing his best as a father."

I smile at her. Maybe it's time I learn to grow up.

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oh my god it actually physically hurts writing Lexi's thoughts sometimes because her 'everything is about me, the whole world is against me' complex is a pain sometimes. she's learning and growing though! she's going to be learning to be a better person soon, trust me. she's young and feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. thanks for sticking with me!