All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

Rekindle

I think it's safe to say that living with Alex has been a far better journey than I'm used to. Of course, I've never been fully adopted before so this is a brand new ballgame to me either way. But he's just so different. The parents I'm used to generally have kids or a drinking problem or just want the money or a babysitter. Alex is none of those things - sure, he drinks. What adult doesn't? He certainly doesn't have a problem. And I'm okay with that. He isn't an angry drunk; angry drunks are the worst and I'm not sure what I'd do if he was one. Luckily all he does is cry so I think I'm okay.

I'm still not over his comment. Why would he tell me he regrets getting me, and then countless times tell me he didn't mean it? What led him to wanting to keep me? Sure, keep a foster kid for a bit, be that asshole that keeps a kid for a few months and take them back. But Alex didn't do that. How is he going to handle the tour life with me here? Will I stay at home with his family - no, my family? Will I go with him? Did he even plan this far ahead? I have so many unanswered questions and frankly I don't want to know the answers to half of them. The uncertainty keeps me worried yet I'm not sure I'd rather know what he really has in store for the future. Is there a future here? Will he really keep me as his daughter? He's already made it clear with the name change and adoption that he's up for it, but will he feel the same in a few months when it comes to the hardcore music creating process, album, or tour?

Early mornings aren't my thing. Here it is, 6 a.m. and I'm wide awake and overthinking. My suspension is still in place for the next 3 days and I've done nothing since I came home yesterday. Alex gave me my space and I haven't left my room. I don't give that man enough credit. While he's a dick sometimes, he's not bad. It's something I have to get used to again. I guess living in an orphanage for a while can get to you, I'm so used to my way of life there that I forgot that other people have different routines and plans.

I get so deep into my thoughts that I lose track of time and don't realize the sun come up and Alex awaken downstairs. I sigh and get up, figuring I should probably shower considering I haven't in probably two days. I'm really letting go of myself on this suspension. Perhaps punching that girl in the face was a bad idea... nope, it wasn't. I would so do it again.

It's so difficult trying NOT to wear band clothes for a day. I realize now that our Hot Topic trip helped get me a wardrobe, yet I don't have any actual clothes. So I sneak downstairs the back way, exiting into the living room instead of the staircase in the kitchen where Alex is surely preparing breakfast. I slide into his room and steal a tank top that he has hanging in his closet. Thankfully he's so busy being productive in the kitchen that he doesn't notice me as I make my way back upstairs with my new addition.

Ten minutes - it's my new record shower time. I was barreling down the staircase before I knew it.

"Hey kiddo, I made us a five-star cuisine. Here's your oatmeal," Alex turns around, one hand carrying a bowl of this apparent wonderful oatmeal. "Hey, that's my shirt!" He gasped.

"No, mine now actually." I smirk at him and thank him for the breakfast and make my way to the living room. Alex follows behind, holding his slightly larger bowl of oatmeal in hand.

I notice Alex slowly turn to look at me and I know where this is going. "You know, I really am sorry." GROAN. "I'm serious and I mean it. Well I mean, I DIDN'T mean it. You know I wouldn't take you back, you're everything to me now. I hate to say it, but you're stuck with me. My rock, remember? You all but promised. And I'm your rock. I'm not going to throw that away because I'm learning what it's like to parent a teenager. I got to skip the easy years. This is where it's at and I'm still learning. I'm going to mess up. I'm telling you right now, I'm going to screw up time and time again. All I ask is your patience and I'll give you mine. I'm learning what it means to love and raise a teenager and as much as I love it, I'm terrified. I don't want to mess up. But this life is about mistakes. I'm going to make hundreds of them and I'll learn from them. Parents have their children's WHOLE life to learn from their mistakes. I only just got you recently and I didn't get the previous fourteen years to learn, okay? I think I deserve some time. And I am truly sorry for what I said. I knew it would hurt and that you'd get my point and I realized directly after that I shouldn't be attacking you. You're a kid, no matter how much you hate being called one. You're a child, my child, and I can't take out anger like that. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

He just told me so much that it was difficult to take in. It's sincerely hard to not forgive him, and I understand where he's coming from. "Okay, I forgive you. It's just... this is what I'm used to. I'm used to staying with someone until their need for me is up. Whether they need me for the money, babysitting, boredom, a punching bag... and they give me back. What you said, you can't say that kind of thing to me unless you're actually taking me back. I don't want to be terrified in what you call my HOME. I don't want to be afraid of losing it all. Alright? I'm a kid too so I also have to learn. I punched that girl because she hurt me first and man, I'm so tired of being hit or hurt all the time. So I'm sorry I fought back. I just can't take it."

Alex has tears in his eyes and I HATE it. I don't want him to know the pain I endured while getting to this point of my life. A lot happens in eleven years in the system. And I'm not sure which part he's sad about. He sighs, wipes his eyes, and smiles.

"I won't ask you about that punching bag comment right now, but trust me I will. And okay. We've fixed our own situation, that was much better than overreacting and yelling at you - which again I'm SO sorry for," he lets out a sigh of relief. "I don't blame you for fighting back. I would've broken a limb so I guess I should praise you for only breaking her nose."

And with that, we laughed and the drama was dropped.

Communication.

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Hey everyone! I made this chapter super short but that's okay. It's to let you know that I'm back! I haven't written in nearly 2 years but I promise it wasn't on purpose. So much happened the past couple years but I'm back. I actually got locked out of my account and tried for MONTHS to get back in. I finally hacked my way back! So here's to that.

Now I can finally start writing again! I have two midnight jobs, one of which I'll be able to spend all 7-8 hours writing and figuring this story out. I'm creating a new story line and coming up with something good. This story may seem a bit out of wack, I'm sorry, I've been away from it for so long that I'm remembering everything I previously planned and what I could do.

Thanks for all the support in my absence! I appreciate it! I promise you I'm going to keep going on this story, no more disappearing for a long time. Well thank you, I'll be updating soon enough!