All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

The Path

I remember only a fragment of my dream. A small part. I was running; I love to run. I love feeling the freedom, the wind flying through my hair, the weightlessness I feel as I go. I wasn't running from anyone. I was just... going. There was an echo. I could hear it floating through the trees. It was faint, very soft, very quiet. "I'm here, I'm here," it was in a loop. I glanced once more to find the source of the echo, only finding a door. The trees were gone. The path ahead of me vanished. A door...

"Lexi where are you!"

I shoot up from my makeshift bed in my closet. For just a moment I forget my situation. I forget I was an adopted kid. I forget that I was a forced adoption. I can hear Alex calling throughout the house. I have nowhere to go, so I stay silent. He won't think to look here. I can hear the panic become more evident every time he calls out my name. Jack is yelling at him. I'm not sure why, he knew why I was adopted, he's the one who told me. I can't hear him clearly. All I can make out is my name, Alex searching.

That's when my room door opens all the way. Alex checks the bathroom, he looks under my bed. I can see him through the slits on my closet door. I hold my breath as he takes another look around and locks eyes on the closet door. He knows. I quickly shove my foot against the closet door, so he can't open it unless he really tries. Alex walks across the room and grabs the handle.

"Shit. I know you're in there. Let me in," he pleads. He continues to try and yank the door open. I don't say a word and I hold steady. "I need you to listen to me. Can we talk?"

Silence. He sighs and attempts once more to pull the door open. "Please. Jack is gone. It's me and you. You have no choice. You have to talk to me." Like hell I do.

I think he gave up trying to open the door. He slides against it, and plops down against the carpet. I just look at the back of his head. I'm not coming out.

"It wasn't like he made it seem." Silence. "I wanted you. I chose you. You're my daughter. The reason I initially got you doesn't change my feelings." Bullshit. "I swear it wasn't how Jack made it sound. I was... well, I wasn't doing okay. Musically, physically, emotionally. And... can I please look at you while I'm talking? I feel like I'm talking to myself here." That's because you are. "Lexi, please. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. What can I do to fix this?" Nothing.

I kick the door. He leans his back off of it. He reaches to open the door and it still won't budge. He doesn't make an effort to leave his spot. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. After a few minutes, I drift back off to sleep...

~

"Time to wake up."

Once more, I shoot up. I'm not in the closet. I'm on the couch, Alex next to me with his arm over my shoulder. I glare at him and shove away from him. I head to where my shoes are and put them on. "Absolutely not," Alex says as he runs to the door to block it. "You're not going anywhere. We're talking." He crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me.

I don't say a word as we stand in silence. Instead, I turn and jog to the back door and open it. Then I run. Just like in my dream, I go. I've missed this. I haven't gone on a nice run in a while. There's so much going on. The feeling of dread, sadness, anger.. it all seeps away with every footstep. Each block I pass feels like a weight off my shoulders lifting. I feel myself smile. I don't let bad thoughts reach my brain. I think about my surroundings instead. I'm by a school, a middle school I think. There's a few cars parked outside. I look ahead of me, where I see some fast food places. This area is too crowded, too many things with too many people. I turn. I head down a block, a nice looking neighborhood. It seems like my dream, lots of trees. Not a forest scene like how I pictured, but... calm, it's calm.

I keep going for what seems like hours. I'm sure it's only been maybe thirty minutes, but that's hours in running-time. I catch my breath and let the sand wedge itself between my toes. I've made it to the beach. I always loved seeing it as Alex and I drove by. We never came though. I don't think beaches are his thing.

After sitting a while, everything comes back. Every little thought that I pushed away during my run. It's back. I don't even think about anything before Alex; my past is done and I don't want to think about it. But Alex? I have to think about him. Jack said he had to adopt me. Alex said he wasn't doing well. What did that have to do with me? What, he was feeling like shit and decided to bring me along for the ride? It didn't make sense. None of it did. What was going through his head when they came to the orphanage and he was talking to kids? Was he feeling the dread that I do now? The dread of responsibility? Why go through with it? And what about when he chose me, was it because I seemed... the easiest?

So many thoughts cloud my mind and I find myself overwhelmed. I know Alex is looking for me. Maybe the other guys, I don't know. But I do know that I don't want Alex. I don't want someone who didn't make the decision to (for lack of better words) have a child. He legally adopted me so I can't go back to Miss Marie but I don't want to be HERE. But... she can't stop me if I decide to go to her anyway.

~

I step inside the familiar doors of the orphanage. It's silent, which is odd for a house with kids. I set that aside and look for my old caretaker. I weave through the halls and living room and can't find her for the life of me. Then I hear whispering. I follow it to kitchen where I find her! But... I find Alex too. Fuck.

"We figured you'd find your way back here. You thank your lucky ass that Alex here didn't call the police to find you. Being a runaway as an adopted child doesn't go down too well," Miss Marie scolds. I glare at the both of them and walk back out.

"Get back here!" Alex yells. I choose to ignore him and I managed to reach the front door before he does. He catches up to me and grabs my arm, hard. "We're going home and we're going to talk." He pulls me out of the orphanage and leads me to his car. I say nothing but I have no choice other than to follow him. He holds the car door open and then shuts it for me when I get in. After he's buckled, he begins talking again. "Where did you go? I've been looking everywhere for you. I was really worried about you. Anything can happen."

I notice him glancing at me, I'm pretty sure he's waiting for me to talk to him. I continue looking ahead, arms crossed over my chest - a habit I picked up from him. The rest of the ride is painful, no speaking, just his occasional staring at me. Pretty soon we make it back to the house. I leap out of the car and run up to my room.

That's when I decide my only real chance of getting away from this is leaving. For good. And then Alex can have his life back, too. It'll work out for us both. I lock my door, open a notebook, and begin to plan.