All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

Missing You

"Oh yeah, I finished the song," Alex said, his head leaning back.

I pick at the rust on the swing; I'm not sure how long Alex has owned these swings but they're definitely outdated. They do make the backyard feel more home-y, though. "What song?" I ask, confused.

"Remember the one song I was writing a while back? I heard that you've been, having some trouble finding your place in the world... That one?" he softly sings along to the lyric.

Instant recognition hits me. It was the song he was practicing the day I tried asking if my friend could come over... my friend who hasn't spoken to me in weeks. "Yeah, I remember that song. It's done? I bet it's good. Can I hear it?"

Alex laughs. "Nope," he grins at me, "you'll have to wait for the album to come out." He leans towards me from his swing and pokes my cheek.

"That's not fair! I'm your kid!" I pout.

"I know, but it's the song I wrote for you. I want you to hear it on your own. Actually, I want you to hear the whole album. So when it's around time to release it, I'll let you hang in my studio alone so you can immerse yourself. The song is called Missing You, by the way."

My heart leaps. I don't know what to say. The lyrics I know so far already hurt, and the title on its own... "Okay."

Alex looks at me, confusion clear on his face. "Okay? Is that good or bad?"

"I haven't decided. Are you sure you want me to hear it?" I ask.

"When you're ready, yes," he lets out a breath. "If you're not ready any time soon, that's fine. The thought of you hearing it and knowing it's about you makes me nervous. I'm hoping the fans see something in it for them too. It's about all of you."

I swing back and look up at the sky. I'm glad I learned from my mistake of running away. I never wanna leave this sunset town. It's beautiful here. So many colors paint the sky, it's a sight I'm glad I get to continue to see every day. However, it does make me feel like reflecting on everything (which Alex tells me is a part of growth), and reflecting was never my strong point. I know one day I'll have to tell him about everything that's happened to me, I guess today can be the day. We need to grow together and we can't do that with secrets, with stuff I don't want to tell him purely because it hurts me to think about.

"I'm going to tell you now. Everything you wanted to know. I'll tell you. Just let me- stop giving me that look, just listen," Alex's very confused expression drops as he realizes what I'm talking about, and his hands motion for me to continue. "Okay. So. Uh. Okay. Well you know my parents died in a freak car crash. Well after that, I lived in countless homes. Group homes, foster homes, and finally at the orphanage you picked me at. Some were alright, some... weren't. I moved around a lot. I lived all over Maryland. A few surrounding states, but always ended up back in Maryland." I breathe out as much as I can before continuing.

"The people weren't always nice. I... I was hit. A lot. Spanked. Kicked. Locked in rooms, closets, cupboards, you name it. Forced to eat hot sauce, soap, even once some cleaning detergent. Beaten with belts, knocked out, that kind of thing. Uh. Some weren't like that, though. Some people were okay. A few used me to babysit their kids, to clean, to cook - pretty much a maid that they got paid to take care of. It's just how things were essentially from the time my parents died until I moved into the orphanage. That was basically the only good place. Miss Marie was good to me, even though she tried to keep me away from families a lot. I see now she was protecting me though, I always had problems with rejection. After being denied by family after family... She was alright. She even gave me my own room, a bigger one, and never forced me to speak. I still don't like talking, but I guess you helped with that because here I am, talking." I stop for a second, trying to calm my shaking hands. They don't stop, so instead I try to move forward.