All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

• five years later, the final epilogue •

Dear Diary,

It's been years since I've written in you. I used to write in this thing every day when I lived in the orphanage. This will be my final entry, closure, an ending to the story of my life... for you. It's only the beginning for me. I decided to look through my old belongings and found you buried in the bag I used to carry my old school laptop. We're moving to a new house and you know how these things go; you start packing one thing and all of a sudden you're surrounded in a whiplash of memories and get side-tracked.

I don't think much of my days as an orphan anymore. It's funny how much can change in such a short amount of time. It's been five years since I lived in that place. So many things started with the All Time Low dream.

I remember very vividly the dream about Alex Gaskarth, the dream I had where they came to the orphanage, adopted me, and everything (well, the bigger details) that came after. I wrote it down the moment I had a chance because I didn't want to forget such a happy dream. I'm sure I have that notebook buried around here somewhere.

I didn't know then. I thought the happiest I could ever be was living off the memory of a dream I once had. I didn't know that my life was only about to begin, oh how I wish I could've had the power of hindsight. I was quiet, reserved, but also VERY passive-aggressive. I was only a young teenager then. I think about my days with Ember, my old best friend. I miss her.

She didn't make it. Some kids don't. I'd just thought that out of everyone, she had the best chance of finding a family, of finding someone who would care for her. Some people, like what happened with me, get out of the system. Others? Others end up like Ember - she started with less dangerous drugs like pot when she turned sixteen. It's what all the cool kids in high school did! It didn't stop there and instead she got worse, spiraling down a path no one could stop her from. I attended her funeral last year. I miss her like crazy. She stopped talking to me when I left. I didn't get to say goodbye before she died and I don't think she missed me. But she changed me. She was there for me when no one else was. I'll never forget her. She inspires me every day. In all honesty, I thought that would be me. I never imagined a future for myself past turning 18 and aging out of the system. It was always day-to-day, dealing with the ruthless orphans or even Miss Marie treating me like I couldn't be adopted either. But I did and Ember didn't get the chance to live a long life. Why do I deserve one?

I wish I could say life was easy. It wasn't like the dream. Actually, the dream flew through a lifetime for me in just the few hours I slept. I got lucky though, thanks to my wit and charm. No, I'm kidding. It took a lot of work to get me where I am now -- officially Lexi Gaskarth.

I used to think I'd never be adopted, that I wasn't worth being loved, that no one could possibly want me in their life. Alex was at that stage in his life too. Back then he believed he was good for nothing, that while his hometown friends were off having "real" careers and families, he was playing music and had no one but his best friends. The one thing we had in common was that we were surrounded yet utterly alone.

Our bond wasn't immediate. It was distant for the both of us. It wasn't like "hey I love you wanna be my dad?" We were okay with each other, comfortable to an extent. But it wasn't as though I loved him and he loved me - that took more time but we got there eventually. At first it was like we were more of friends than a father / daughter-type duo.

That day at the orphanage, Rian was there to adopt a kid. The boys came with him for moral support. He ended up choosing an 8-year-old boy from the boys' orphanage but everyone thought it'd be a good idea to let him see all the kids, see if any of them he can see as his child. He chose Sam, the cutest little blond boy I've ever seen. There was an instant connection and Sam now is a wonderful drummer, thanks to his adoptive father (and my uncle) Rian. Everyone constantly jokes that Sam could take Rian's place in the band one day.