All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

Heart to Heart

The rest of the night after the first show of the Future Hearts Tour went a lot smoother than I thought it would. After their set, all the guys showered. All of them went out to party and have drinks, so I stayed behind with some crew but alone in the bus. Exhaustion plagued my body. The day had been incredibly long, eventful, and emotional. I started the day hating Alex's guts and now I'm just sad.

I sigh before changing into some comfy pajamas and climb into my bunk. I put in my earbuds and begin my sleep playlist, starting with Mind Bottled by State Champs...

-

I awoke to Alex whispering by me, "Scoot over."

I groggily look over at him, definitely not drunk and it surely wasn't morning. Slowly I scoot closer to the wall of the bus. "What time is it?" I ask him.

"Around one in the morning. Everyone's passed out. I didn't drink, just hung out with them. Now you and I can talk."

Sleep still pulled at every inch of me. My eyes didn't want to stay open. Alex pulled me closer to him, with his back to my bunk and he's sitting up completely. I rest my head on his lap while he runs his fingers through my hair. He lets out a quiet sigh.

"I'm pretty fucked up, aren't I?" A short, sarcastic laugh accompanies his rhetorical question. I nodded anyway. His fingers pause for a second before continuing.

"I don't know why I said any of that. Rian was mad. Actually, all of them were. They stick up for you, even when you're in the wrong - which yeah, isn't often, you're a kid."

I look up at him so he knows I'm listening. Words don't exist to me at this very second, I don't know a single one to say.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk. Just listen. This is us getting everything out. Let me explain. I'm not used to this. I thought I would be. But having a kid is so much harder than I expected it to be. You're just such a... pain in the ass," I pinch his leg for that. "Hah, sorry. But you are. I am, too. It's like we do these things JUST to piss each other off. You're so much like me that it's hard to believe we're not biologically related. Anyway, I said some fucked up shit. Those texts.. I was just getting the anger out of my system. I guess I've been taking it out all on you. That's not fair to you."

I shake my head. "It isn't."

His hands shake a little but he doesn't stop running his hand through my hair. I hear his head hit the back of the bunk.

"I know. But I swear, I promise to you, I'll never pull that shit again. I'm trying to be better. I've actually began reading parenting books - the ones about dealing with teenagers. It's helpful, actually. I'm gonna try to fix this. You're not going anywhere, I'm never sending you away. It's you and me against the world, Lex, okay? Don't ever let me convince you otherwise. I love you beyond words. You only came into my life within this past year. It feels like you've been mine forever. It's you and me, now. I'm going to be better. I told you before that I'm going to fuck up, time and time again. This is one of those times... except ten times worse than I should've been. I just don't know how to be a parent. I don't know how punishment works, I don't know how to get you to respect and listen, and honestly I fucking SUCK. But I'm gonna try."

I pat his leg. "I loved the song. It was beautiful."

Alex pulls me up in a hug. I wrap my arms around his sides while his arms envelope me around my neck. "Can I bring up something else?"

I nod, a motion for him to continue.

"It really hurt when you said I'd never be your dad. I know I'm not biologically your father, but I'm really trying. It hurt, a LOT, when you said I'd never be that for you. Did you mean it? Or were you just angry? Please don't lie to me, I don't want anything about us to be a lie. I want to be completely open. So please. Did you mean it when you said I'd never be a father to you?" Alex pulls me away from him so he can look me in the eyes.