All I Want • Alex Gaskarth (Adoption)

Content

Getting accustomed to our house was a little more difficult than I had imagined. Spending so long primarily on a tour bus really messes with your brain after so long. I found myself taking brief showers - in order to save the hot water - and getting ready for the day too quickly. The sleep was wonderful, however. It felt great to have my own blankets and pillows with me, since I had decided to use smaller ones for tour so I could maximize space in my bunk. Alex was more used to it, falling back into his usual pace the same day we made it home. It surprised me in the slightest, forgetting for a minute that this is something he's done for years now. It was only my first time being on tour and away from a steady home. But I imagine that I'll get used to it too, one day. I'm sure they'll go on several more tours before I inevitably leave for college... maybe he'll bring me on most of them. I would like to think so, being involved the way I've been able to while I've been living with Alex has given me a greater appreciation for music. Going with All Time Low on their future tours would give me experience I could use for a job or even go into something music-related in college. I haven't thought about that just yet. Thankfully I have a few years before college so I'll put it off until the last possible moment.

I was awake in my bed, lost in thought, every possible life situation running through my head like there was no tomorrow. I didn't even notice Alex walk into my room. I jumped a little when he sat next to me, flatting the soft pillow I was using as an armrest. "Morning, kid." I nodded to him but stayed within my own head. I was too comfortable to move or even let a thought stray from my brain. Life felt really off-kilter, as though some sort of balance had been lost. I was trying to regain it with focus. "What are you thinking about?"

I shrugged. I didn't have any words for the feeling. "I don't know. Something... doesn't feel right. But it's nice to be home," was all I could muster. He gives a small nod back. I think he understands what I'm feeling, just maybe.

Maybe the days feel longer now - the hours always flew by while we were traveling. There was always something to do, no matter how many times I complained that there wasn't. Now I just have schoolwork, chores, and social outings with my dad. It felt so wonderful finally being able to be myself, a happier version of who I used to be back in the orphanage. I didn't know who I was then; I always used silence as a way to figure life out and to make those in my life leave ME out. The open chatter I could now give was probably my own favorite feature. I liked being able to be free, something Alex always gives me now - of course, just ENOUGH freedom. You couldn't let a teenager in my position just roam the streets. I do have a knack for getting lost, or occasionally several hours away. Only sometimes.

I take a glance over at Alex and it looks like he's lost in thought too... or maybe he's just zoning out. Could be either. I poked him and he tensed for a moment before remembering where he was, then sent a smile down to me. "Love you, Dad." His smile was brighter than ever.

"I love you, too."

-

"I'm not taking that trash out. It's not my fault you didn't want to wash ANY of your socks during the tour and want to throw them away now. Sorry, my hand is broken, I'm forfeiting this chore." I cross my arms over my chest with defiance.

"You can't just forfeit a chore. Sorry, kid, today is your trash day. Love you, but it's your day," Alex says with the biggest grin on his face. Lately we've been trying to one-up each other, either with jokes or pranks or just messing with our belongings. Today, Alex threw out all his tour socks because they smell like a garbage dump. Tomorrow, I'll get him back even better. "And they said having a kid is hard."

"I'd be careful sleeping tonight."

Hours passed and finally Alex had fallen asleep. I took out the trash today. Sure, it wasn't how he had expected, but it was done. I took the trash out of the kitchen and... now the trash bag lay cut open in his closet. Not all over the floor, I'm not that cruel. But you can smell it. Deeply. And I KNOW I've won this round.

-

I used to think the world was out to get me, that no one was in my life for a good reason. My family was dead, my foster families were no good to me. I don't have a single friend to rely on, even now all the actual friends I had have stopped speaking to me. I used to take it as a personal attack, as though the earth didn't want good things for me. I think that's a common thought with kids my age. I feel different now. I've learned a lot in the time I've spent with Alex, my now adoptive father and the only father I know. He's taught me things about life without realizing he's done so. I'm a better person because of everything that's happened to me. All the bad things came together to form one solid good. Weeks have passed now since tour. I've been with Alex for about a year and a half. I never realized how much can change within that time. I don't recognize who I used to be. I love my life now. I have a family, I have someone who cares about me, it's all I've ever wanted.

All I want is a place to call my own

I finally have a home. I have my own room with my own belongings. I don't have to share anything with other orphans. I don't have to wait and hope for the day someone chooses me. This place is mine. It's all I wanted and more. There is so much love out there in the world and I'm so happy to have found it.

To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone

Alex was on a down-spiral when he had chosen me. He didn't have anyone. He had his fans and his friends, but he didn't have someone like me. I'm his new family, he says. He says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. Alex was alone. I was alone. We came together and now we are everything we dreamed to be. We're a family. A little dysfunctional at times, but in the end, we are exactly what we needed. I needed a father I could rely on, he needed a daughter who had his back. A perfect duo neither of us had intended upon having but wouldn't trade it for the world.

Whoa, you know to keep your hopes up high, and your head down low

I can now dream to be absolutely anyone and anything I want to be. I know my dad will support me through everything. He's been by my side and I'm grateful. I tried to stand out, back in school and in the orphanage. I know now that just being myself, keeping to myself, I was stronger as a person. I have the highest of dreams and I know just who I can trust to help me follow through.

Still got something left to prove, it tends to keep things moving while everyone around me says my last days are looming overhead

In my past, the whole world felt like it was about to end. Every day I felt as though my whole life has amounted to nothing. I realize now that gave me a fighting chance. It fueled me, and I never knew that until I lived with Alex. I am better than I was. My fight to prove myself is what will keep me going. My world is no longer ending; it is merely beginning and I have so much further to go. Nobody can hold me back.

But just what the hell do they think they know? I keep my head above the water, while they drown in the undertow

The people who tried to bring me down throughout my life don't know me. They don't know the best part of my life was still to come. Now I'm thriving and they're still sad. I thought I was bullied just for the fun of it. I've learned within the past few months that that's not always the case. They'll be stuck at home, amounting to nothing while I live my dreams and surround myself with love and support. I'm swimming and they're begging to get by.

Let's leave no words unspoken, and save regrets for the broken. Will you even look back when you think of me?

—————————————————————

One chapter left, my friends. We're almost there. Thank you.