Rydellington Oneshots (Discontinued)

Merry Christmas, My Love

Warnings: death, chance of having an existential crisis

I KNOW IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS YET OKAY

This is an entry for a contest being held by wondergirl108 ... Enjoy and enter the contest if you'd like because I think it's just for fun :)

You don't realize how much you love someone until you lose them. As I sit here alone on Christmas morning, I can't help but reminisce about all the happy times we had together. Sitting beside the tree with our children, passing out gifts. Smiling brightly at one another. Kissing under the mistletoe. Looking back now, everything was overly cheesy. I don't know what drove me to think you'd live much longer after the cancer took over.

It began in your bones. They found it early on and gave you treatment. They claimed they had saved you that time, and that it was completely gone. There was a 90% chance that everything would be okay, according to the doctors. But of course, nothing ever was.

Life continued per usual, until you started coughing. It wasn't normal coughing. It was hacking. All the time. Eventually, you began coughing up blood. That's when I took you to the doctor. The cancer had come back and taken over your entire body. It wasn't long before it overtook your heart. They took me away and told me that you were a goner. We had lived many years together at the time and our children were fully grown. We had long, full lives together. It was time for you to go. So I silently nodded and signed the papers to get them to not treat you. Within weeks, you were on life support. You were extremely weak and in much pain. You asked for them to kill you. You asked for them to inject poison that would kill you silently and painlessly. So I signed the papers and they did. We hugged one last time, expressed our love for one another. It was on Christmas that you finally died. Your final words to me were these.

Survive, Rydel. That is my final wish. Thrive for our children. Thrive for humanity. Thrive for what's left of your siblings. Thrive for yourself. Keep living. I love you, more than you could ever imagine.

I remember the times we had together. We were so happy, so in love. My heart still swelled everytime your lips touched mine. Everytime our skin made contact. I felt my spine tingle when we had our intimate moments. I also felt my heart drop as your heart monitor slowed. As the sound came to a long flat key. That sound still echoes in my dreams. In every dream I've went through lately, you were there. And then that sound echoed through the world, and there was no way to silence it. I would cover my ears, try to burst my eardrums. Hell, I could be deaf, but that sound was unbearable. I would still hear it. You would say what you last said to me. You would tell me you loved me. In every dream. Every night. Then that sound would fill my ears, and you were gone. You would fade out of existence. I now feel my heart physically ache as I remember holding the pregnancy test in my hand with two lines on it. I remember the feeling of my head throbbing as I sobbed. I remember feeling a pain in my stomach as a retched out my guts. I remember feeling arms around me as my heart was literally torn to shreds. I hear my own screams when I wake up from a nightmare. I feel my breathing pick up when I realize this is reality, not a nightmare. I feel no emotion when I realize how harsh reality has become.

I sat in silence. I sat and thought. Mostly about death. Not just about your death, but about everyone who has died in this life. Death is like a looming shadow that is always there. You have to endure it sometime. It might be soon, it might be far in the future. But you don't get to choose. Life makes that decision for you. Life can be taken from you anytime, like how the sun can easily be hidden behind a cloud and take away your shadow. Though death, unlike your shadow, doesn't let you return once the sun comes back out. That's why you should live life while you have the opportunity. I don't want to dwell on your death, but what choice do I have when grief is the only emotion that consumes me?

You want to know my emotions about your death? It's heartbreaking. Imagine walking through the desert, alone for weeks. You're almost dehydrated when you suddenly have all the water in to world you could drink. You gulp it down. Then you're vomiting from regret. Once you're hydrated, you're fine and you make your way home. Then the water is taken away. And you have to endure that feeling of dehydration again. But long after you're supposed to have died, you have to live through the pain of your throat as it burns, as you can barely breathe. That's the pain I feel. How will it feel for eternity? How long will I survive feeling like this?

Our son says he's worried about me. I don't believe him. How could anyone be worried about a woman who has no hope? You're gone. I watched you die. There's no coming back for you. I'm going crazy, Ellington. I imagine other realities where you are still alive. I imagine other realities where you never existed, where I never had to endure this pain. I've begun to feel I spend most of my time imagining these to not remember how much I'm hurt. Other times I get so lost in them that reality feels like a slap to the face. I just continue to get lost in these realities. I imagine that you never existed and we never met, Ellington. I imagine that my mom and dad never met. I imagine realities where everyone is much happier because I'm not in them. There really is no solution to our problems, is there? Someone is suffering, no matter what we do. In a world full of problems, not all can be fixed. In the end, someone has to endure the pain. It's just not fun to be the one who has to feel it.

So Ellington, I miss you, even this many years later. Our children are on their way to visit. I miss you still. I wish you could come back, though I know you can't. So this is out to you. Merry Christmas, my love.