Rydellington Oneshots (Discontinued)

You Say Things With Your Mouth, Cobwebs and Flies Come Out

Trigger warnings: mentions of suicide, major character death, depressing thoughts, just very sad in general

Rydel,

I'm writing this letter to you as I sit in my house, preparing to attend your wedding. I wish I could say our wedding. I can't. I gave up my chance by staying with Kelly, even after you came clean about your feelings.

I'm not sure why you would invite me. I admitted how I felt to you after you had first gotten with him. You denied me, saying that I had waited too long to admit it. I understand. I didn't expect you to come running back to me after you had already fallen for someone else. I'm not going to mention his name. It hurts entirely too much to think about the person you chose over me.

I will say that he's attractive, though. I'm bisexual. I will call another man attractive, and you chose one good-looker. He's the total opposite of me, though. He has blonde hair, and the iciest blue eyes. They feel like ice everytime they slice over my skin. Though, to you, I'm sure that ice gives you the warmest feeling in the world. I'm sure it fills you with fire, a fire of love for him. The one you love.

If I wasn't a coward, I might have the heart to attend your wedding. To appreciate that you're happy. I should just be glad that you're happy the way things are. But I can't. I have an intense longing to be with you, to fulfill the needs I've desired for years. You felt the same way long before I did, and I was too oblivious to realize how much of an idiot I was being. By the time I realized I was wrong, I had already lost my chance with the greatest girl I've ever met; you.

You are gorgeous. Your hazel eyes have always made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered to you, and that always filled my heart with joy. But then the reality would set in, and I would remember that you weren't mine. We weren't allowed to be intimate together, and you didn't feel the same way.

I told you a while back that I was over you. You had asked, saying that I had seemed depressed recently. Do you want the truth? I am depressed. I don't see the point in living. You were my only reason, my only chance of hoping to be given a reason to live, and now that opportunity is gone. I gave it up like the fuck up I am. The fuck up I have always been.

I'm sorry I'm not there to witness the happiest days of your life. I was too cowardly. I couldn't handle it. I wanted it to be us, and I knew I had no chance of that ever happening.

In case you haven't already guessed it, this is my goodbye. I have nothing left to live for. No one cares. I can't be with my one true love. Everything I've ever cared about has left me. Including you, Rydel. I can't continue on, pitying myself because I was idiotic enough to miss out on so many life opportunities. I'm sorry I had to turn one of the happiest days of your life into such a depressing one. I'm sorry for everytime I've ever hurt you. I'm sorry for everything, Rydel.

Stay alive for everyone. Continue living. Live will go on without me. Make it go on, because the world won't stop spinning. Everything will keep going. Don't be depressed over me, a self-pitying coward. I deserved to die. Live on. Please. If not for yourself, then for me. It's my final wish.

I love you. I'm in love with you. I never stopped. I want you to remember that.

I love you, Rydel Mary Lynch

I love you.

-Ellington

***

As soon as she had finished reading the letter, Rydel felt tears come to her eyes. She had received the phone call only hours ago. Riker had found Ellington dead in his home, and the doctors said that he had purposely overdosed on pills. He had no chance of survival. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Rydel didn't know how to react, other than tears falling down her face. Her now husband wasn't there to comfort her, and neither were any of her brothers. She had told them to leave her alone.

Her best friend was dead. The reality had yet to set in. She was glad that her husband--it was still such a weird word to her--wasn't there. She could barely stand being with him. She wasn't sure why she had accepted his proposal. If she hadn't, Ellington wouldn't be dead.

It was all her fault.

But she must live on. She must represent Ellington, because he believed that he was worthless. She must do it for him, because it all began with her.

Life would be much easier if she had accepted Ellington when he had finally come around, but by then she was done with his games.

One more chance would have saved his life, but she was honestly glad that she hadn't given him it. He hadn't deserved it. She needed to be a strong, independent woman.

She didn't need a man to keep on living.

The next week, she divorced her husband.

Rydel Lynch lived on to form a foundation in the name of Ellington Ratliff in honor of suicide prevention. She wanted to prevent suicide as much as possible, now knowing the pain of living through such a horrible thing.

I apologize for how depressing that was. I also apologize for how much of a hot mess that was. Sorry. I suck at writing; we all should know this by now. The title is a lyric from the song Lovely by twenty one pilots. I highly recommend it; it's one of my favorites.