As of this moment,
I'm tired.
My mind and body are ready to crawl into those big pyjama pants that have the huge pockets, and lay down and drift off to the world where I don't have to think about anything.
No stress reaches me.
No anger, no sadness, no happiness.
Not anything.
And it's so relaxing.
I can be at peace.
Where I'm not this 'Jade Owens,' where I don't have problems and I don't have feelings or thoughts or emotions that tie me to all of my thoughts and feelings.
I can look at a tree and just think, 'that is a tree,' and move on with my life.
I'm not hanging back.
Forcefully, my dear.
So forcefully.
Believe me if it were up to me, if everyone listened and obeyed my words, no one would still be stuck in this goo of salty honey.
It's not tasty anymore.
It never was.
I should've spit the indigestible mush out of my mouth when I had the chance.
And I only think, everyday,
'What if I said no?'
My life would be less chaotic.
I would be semi happy.
It would be worth it.
Because now, here I am, knowing what others don't, listening to the angry songs of a torn apart heart, wishing I could erase myself from existence so I don't have to go to school tomorrow.
I feel like I'm made of stars and all of these stars are old and are exploding and maybe stars dying are pretty but my stars are burning and it's not a good feeling.
...
Girls are much different than boys.
Boy are much different than girls.
And sometimes it sucks to be both.
No one understands your days of masculinity.
You feel handsome.
You feel so "macho."
You want to cut all your hair off so people will stop calling you a 'girl.'
But then, you feel different.
You want to spin in a ballroom, wearing a gown, dancing in heels made of glass.
No one understands.
Because when you do, they'll poke your nose, smile and say, "Jade, you're such a cute girl! Stop saying you're genderfluid, how can you feel like a boy if you don't have a dick?"
Because I do.
Maybe it's unreal to you.
But to me?
It's that.
Me.
It's me.
[12/14/15]
