this isn't a poem. more like a long rant-y sort of thing because sweet little lines of nonsense cant really describe how i feel right now. and this is most likely be long, so if you don't care or don't feel like reading a few paragraphs about a random kid on the internet, then just go away.
but hi. if you've only read this book of mine and you have no idea who i am, all people on the internet know me by 'ellie,' a name i gave myself when i was thirteen because of one of my favorite video game characters, ellie from the last of us. i've never liked my real name. not for obvious mistakes about it but because it never felt like it was me. it was a title i was given, that i never wanted. and i had to deal with it.
when i was younger i tried to get people to call me other names. more neutral names like 'alex.' having that my middle name has the name alex in it, i tried going by that. alex wasnt as 'girly' as my real name was and it sounded cool. but it never worked.
i didn't come to the conclusion that i was genderfluid until about two years ago, during the summer. again, i never felt comfortable being identified as solely female. i liked being called, for a shitty example, "a very feminine boy." that made me flip out and made me so happy. and when i came across the term 'genderfluid,' i thought all my goddamn problems were solved and i could finally figure out on thing about myself.
but as i went on, telling people i was genderfluid and even giving myself a different name, aiden, i thought i was happy. i thought it was what i wanted but now, especially now, im not really sure anymore. people can be whatever they want to be, whatever gender they feel to be, and the more i think about it the more i doubt myself and i start to hate myself for it.
in this point in my life, i actually thought about it and i've come to the conclusion that i am cis-gendered, that i never was genderfluid and i was just being a dumb teenage girl on the internet but, i'm still rolling that over in my head. it just confuses me and messes with me. when one of my closest friends called me 'aiden,' it felt incredible. it made me so happy but when others said it, it was like they were only saying it for the sake of it, like they were MADE to, they didn't want to and they only did so because i asked.
i don't know. i feel like no one would ever take me seriously.
im a silly little girl, trying to be something im not.
