As of this moment, my best friend has insulted me.
Degraded me.
Offended me.
Ripped me apart and wove it away with a "compliment."
You think telling me that I will always "look like a girl" is complimenting me?
It's not.
It's tearing me apart.
I don't want to, not always.
Sometimes I want to look manly.
I want to have a strong jaw, a tall and masculine body.
But I can't change my body with the way I feel each day.
So I try.
I wear shirts to cover up the parts I don't want on that particular day.
I pull my long locks of hair away from my face.
I'm happy.
I see myself, staring back at me, no care in the world.
Like I'm jumping through clouds.
I go out, ready for whatever the world throws at me and--
What's this?
My best friend.
She's smiling, waving.
I walk toward her, ready to burst into confetti from the excitement I have.
Ready to tell her how happy I feel, and what does she say?
"You look so pretty!"
No the compliment I was looking for, but I'll try to get her to correct herself.
"Do I look handsome?"
Here it goes, she's going to tell me.
She's going to say I look like a boy, I can feel it.
She opens her mouth and--
"You still look like a girl."
And while she laughs at me, laughs at me, my whole world is shot down.
...what?
I... I tried.
I tried to look like my preferred gender choice of the day.
But... I still look like a girl?
I... I'm hurt.
I'm exposed.
I'm pulled apart, everything I put on myself yanked away from me as the obvious is pointed out.
I am a girl.
I will always look like a girl.
And I hold my head in my hands, gripping my hair, confused and mad and angry.
Nothing I can do will change that.
Nothing.
It feels like a scab has been pulled off.
My identity being the dried up blood.
I tried to tell myself what I am, what I feel, but it is yanked ripped off of me and I am sore and burning and I just...
I just feel...
I feel...
Not like me.
At all.
[1/11/16]
