i now know how you feel, alley creature
how you felt all those years ago when the world was just populated with ourselves and our tears,
mostly mine
i now understand the pain you felt and now i don't understand how you could look into my eyes and not explode into sadness
because i can barely do that now
so can you give me some advice, like you used to?
i need it now more than ever
i don't know what to do, like always
because i was never in this position
of holding on so desperately to a person's cold hands, who was already dressed for their own funeral
who had already planned the wake way before they met me
was i like that for you?
i can only think back to reading that book with you,
of a suicidal girl who's mind was dying
and the way you cried
and cried and cried
and held onto me like i was holding the knife up to my throat
i can't even imagine how you felt,
when i stupidly spat out the words,
"huh, so this is how you feel when i say i want to kill myself?"
and i laughed, so carefree and emotionless
because in that moment, i didn't care about anything
i felt like a waste of space
that i was the cause of so many problems,
and that if i just went away everything would be okay
now all i can think about is how you felt
the way your face changed, a mixture of different drinks
all combined into one that perfectly described how you felt
as a color, it's a warm pink
and now, the feeling is gone
and what is it's replacement?
fear
the same fear you probably felt
how many days did you wake up and think it was the last you'd see me?
how many mornings did you expect to hear the news that i was gone?
i can't count the many times of the day i think of that
you've never met him, but i feel like you'd be friends
weird friends, because you're nothing like each other
you'd probably flip out on the way we talk to each other
and then fall in love the next minute
but you have the same ideals of certain things
yet until then
tell me what to do
what do i say when he tells me he wants to go?
what do i do when he fills up with so much depresssion he can't breathe?
i was the same way
i would tell you how'd i'd do it
i'd plan my goodbye letters
i was on the edge but you helped me back up
you took ahold of my small hands and didn't let go
so tell me,
please because i'm so scared
how do i save him?
[1/21/2017]
