Dark Paradise || N.H

Prologue

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You'd think that by my age I'd have everything figured out, but I don't. Sure I accomplished graduating from high school but just barely. I've been wandering about these last 2 years, just doing the same old things all the time. I would have gone to college but my moms a single parent and realistically there's no money, and I wasn't the kind of student to get scholarships. I never worried about those sort of things I didn't see a point to it. I just simply had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, all my interests were things that would not get me anywhere in life, in terms of a career and a roof over my head. I liked to sit around write songs and play my guitar, the makings of a singer song writer? Psh yeah right. I had no guts to get up in front of people, one main reason was all my insecurities. Lots of girls thought I was attractive but I really didn't see it.. I had one girl friend throughout high school and I messed that up. Well I can't say that it was all my fault, she was kind of shallow and it turned out to be that I was just a bet to her. I'd like to think that she did actually like me deep down. That only fed my insecurities all the more, and I didn't even have anyone to go to for advice. My dad died just a few months after I started high school, he traveled a lot and one day his plane just fell from the sky and that was it. He was gone.

After that my mom went through a bit of a rough patch I mean that was understandable. Although when she got "better" she dedicated her time to paying the bills and working so she was never around to help me cope and get better.. So I just shoved the feelings in my closet, metaphorically speaking I mean.. After graduating I did what most kids who have no idea where their life is going, I got a job as a cashier in a mini mart, It was one of those small convenience stores. Extravagant right? I worked there the whole 2 years I was just a waste of space. I still lived with my mom which wasn't even true because she was never there so I guess I lived alone. There was nothing for me to live for I was a waste of space making carbon dioxide. I thought about suicide a few times but I could never bring myself to do it... I guess thats why when I stared death in the face I was happy to go..

One night at work my shift had just ended, and I was ready to go home leaving my co-worker to hold the fort down. When I came out there were two guys holding her up at gun point, they sort of panicked when they saw me. I'm sure they thought she was the only one here.. I dropped my back pack and held my hands up while they yelled at me to stand beside her at the register. Now this girl, she was new mother although she was 8 years older than me she was still young mom who had been left by her boyfriend. I could see the fear on her face, she didn't ask to be a mother just yet, it was an accident of course but when she talked about her baby I could tell that it was one of the best accidents to ever happen to her. And she was terrified of leaving her baby alone so soon. She was so nervous as the two masked men yelled at her to open the register, again she was new so she really had no idea how to open it and the nerves didn'thelp at all. When she couldn't get it open one of the guys grabbed her and threatened to shoot her, she cried and cried and that made them impatient.They threw her on the ground and pointed the gun at her, the other had a gun on me but was distracted looking at his friend about to shoot her. Without thinking I lunged at the guy and we landed on the ground fighting for the gun, the other guy who was about to shoot the girl came over to help his friend. I imagine the girl pressed the silent alarm behind the register when I distracted both men because the cops had begun to show up. One of them ran as fast as he could leaving his friend with me. He wanted to run away too but I wouldn't let him I wanted one of them to pay for what they were about to do. In the struggle the gun went off and all I felt was warm liquid between our bodies, he swore and got up slowly checking to see if it was him. It wasn't... He looked at me once more before running out the door in the same direction his partner had gone.

The girl had come up to me and tried putting pressure on the wound to keep the blood from flowing but my vision was already blurry, I felt tears roll down the sides of my face and pour into that little crook in your ear. She held my head in her lap and sobbed as she kept repeating "Don't die please!" I looked at her and with what little energy I had I said, "It's o-ok-kay. N-now your b-baby will s-till havee a mother." I coughed and moaned in pain. All she did was sob some more, the cops came in and called the paramedics but I know it was too late. They arrived in time to get me to the hospital, but as they rushed me down the halls I was beginning to go. It felt like flying really, and the last thing I said to the girl who was still at my side was, "D-don't feel bad. It's what I want.." the last thing I saw was her pale face and the sound of her cries faded because I was gone.

August 13, 2012, excatly a month before my 21st birthday. I died, and I was happy I did. I could have fought harder but I didn't want to, I wanted to go I had nothing and no one to live for. But I guess wanting to die came at a price because even though I was physically gone I was left to wander between worlds. My soul stayed here watching my mother suffer over my death and I felt bad because I always thought she didn't care. And that girl who I dated in high school she showed up and was one of the last ones at my grave, she was crying.. Standing over my grave I watched her as she whispered. "I'm so sorry Niall.. for what it's worth now.. I'm sorry. I really did actually like you..." It made me sick to see all these people who I thought didn't even know I existed cry over me when I didn't deserve it. I wanted to die, i was selfish in my decision to stop fighting to give up. 

Now I was left here, my mom had moved out of our old home not being able to stand the fact that she was totally alone. Eventually she went mad in a sense and they moved her into a senior home.. I couldn't go with her I just couldn't.. So I stayed in the only place I knew I could hide, my old home, my old room. I had no way of knowing how to move on or if I even could, I don't know why I was even still here. I keep telling myself that maybe there a purpose as to why I'm here trapped in my old house. A part from not eing able to move on maybe I'm not supposed to yet..