U L T R A V I O L E T

XXVII

September 18, 19—
I fear that this may be one of my last journals that I ever write on these once crisp white pages. There's over one hundred blank pages if I choose to stop right now. I think I would have once considered that such a loss, but it now feels like a new beginning. It feels like I don't have to feel obligated to ruin memories by etching them onto paper. I want my memories and all of the wonderful things that I experience here to stay with me and only me, not with the wandering hands of future readers. I want every memory of me and the things I have done pass and fade away with me and time. I don't want to be remembered, I am just a violet after all. I wasn't made to change the world of perfection that I live. I'm just destined and enslaved to create until my already fragile bones disintegrate under the pen, the pencil, and the brush. I am okay with not changing other people's lives, because I am changing my own. I don't consider my departure from my old self a melancholy journey. Why would I? I don't think the way I once did and I can't expect myself to react to things the same. I can't let that make me sad. I want to be a positive person that people look up to, but I also just want to be someone who no one knows and is just existent in the shadows. I have never been a people person, but I had to do what I had to do. No more will that exist. I am in the land of freedom in analogous colors and that is all I will ever need. I will proceed my departure from this journal with a poem, and then I will be gone forever. It's awful for people to disappear so easily and no I have become one of those people. Here's to well wishes and brighter futures. Here's to me being encompassed in my favorite colors. Here's to the moment I wish I had someone to clink glasses with, but am far too introverted for it to ever possibly happen. I can change my personality, but it's awful hard to change your fears. I'm scared that what scares me now will always scare me and it keeps me in my place. Maybe that's all I need with a will and a fight and I will be alright. Here's to an end and a new beginning. All the love in this tiny little universe swirls inside of my chest and it makes me feel the warmth of the millions of hugs that I never hand and never will get. A farewell.
-a.l.r