[A/N This whole thing will be from Kellin's pov unless it says otherwise. Remember: Nikki and Kellin are two parts of one person.]
July 14th- July 16th, 2013
Today I watched a vine video by Josh Peck. He was in his car, as usual, one day he's gonna crash doing that. That's off topic but it was a vine about believing in myself. The six second video consisted of these words: "Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, ya idiot! Believe in yourself, ya weirdo! Believe." It made me giggle at the obvious... is contradiction a good word? I'll use it anyway. I went about my day normally. Constantly refreshing my Twitter notifications and emails, searching for a sign that Jayyson and Sydney are thinking of me. None come. I feel my heart break a bit and go back to my home page. I scroll through the depression tweets and end up re-tweeting most of them and favoriting the rest. I find one about the five nicest people on Twitter. I decide to put: Jayyson, Sydney, Sydney's boyfriend, the account that posted the tweet, and a depression account. I get a response from everyone but Sydney's boyfriend and Jayyson. In case you are wondering, Sydney's boyfriend's name is Oli.
I feel my heart ache again, knowing Jayyson doesn't really care as much as I do. But I try to lighten up for Sydney's sake. I'm still tweeting her and I don't want to ruin her day. She's my absolute best friend. I love her to death and I hate the fact that she's moving away to a town a few hours away. It won't be the same at school without her.
The sleep overs won't be the same. The Spill Zones won't be the same. The days won't be the same. The park where we always hung out won't be the same. The spot behind Ward's where we always played Truth or Dare won't be the same. The spot behind the gas station where we always met up won't be the same. The times I walk down Main Street past her old apartment won't be the same.
None of it will be the same.
I won't be the same. Not without Sydney.
How can I resist the urge to run up the 20+ stairs to the only door on the left, marked with the word 'office', and walk in through the usually open door? How can I resist calling your name throughout the old apartment even though I know damn well that you're probably in your room? How can I resist wishing you didn't have to move? How can I resist missing you? How can I force myself to accept the fact that you're gone from this little town? How can I force the fake smiles and laughs?
How can I persuade the town that I'm just bloody fine when I'm actually falling apart?
I'm not sure... but I'll have to just try. We all know damn well that you will probably go to a new school. Meet new people. Make new best friends. Make new mental pathways right over the memories of me. I guess you should though, Captain. Little L.C. would just drag you down and hold you under the water with her. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Oh Kellin, You're tricking yourself into your lies...
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I really have no idea what day it is, but I'm losing control. I can't take it any more. I just feel so used and pathetic. Last night... my cousin... he was being... let's just say pervy. I don't want to talk about it. Yes he lives in a different country but... you know. I still feel like the scum I am. I didn't submit to him but he was just being such a creep! Poor Nikki, She's so innocent and vulnerable. She shouldn't have to go through this, no one should... I feel myself drawn to the scissors. Confused Nikki quickly grabs the cold metal and holds it to her sobbing face, then to her chest, as if she was hugging them. I don't want to hurt Nikki, but I can't stop myself. I know she doesn't have the guts to actually start self harming, but she is naive enough to listen to me, her dark and cruel alter ego.
She sets the scissors down and moves to the closet. She shuts the door and grabs the oval pencil sharpener. She's had it since 1st or 2nd grade. Inside it isn't pencil shavings, but a dark blue soap pearl. It's squishy and was her grandmother's. It smells like her and we can feel the pressure of her looking down on Nikki from Heaven. Nikki holds the small sphere to her heart and sobs to the plain walls, "I'm sorry grandma. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Skylar. I'm letting you down." (Skylar was her wattpad friend that just poofed out of her life, she's in my bio. Grandma's name was Mary.) She could see her grandmother's sweet and loving smile, telling her it's alright. Hear Sky say quietly and gently, "You can never let me down. I will always love you girly."
