August 5th, 2013
TRIGGER WARNING
Today I slipped up.
I don't know why I did it.
Maybe I missed Jayyson. Maybe I missed Sydney. Maybe I missed feeling perfect. Maybe I missed not existing. Nikki was so happy before I began toying with her mind.
It doesn't matter why I did it though it just matters that I did it.
I cut deeper today with my new blades. I made longer cuts too, but the pain was all too brief. So here I am.
Back to zero days clean of everything.
Zero days clean of trying to ignore Jayyson.
Zero days clean of self harm.
Zero days clean of eating disorders.
Zero days clean of being imperfect.
I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate my face. I hate my arms. I hate my legs. I hate my fat stomach. I hate the way I shake wen ever I play music in front of more than five people.
But most of all I hate ME. I hate what I am. I hate it all. I hate living.
GODDAMMIT. I just want to die. I'm sick of all this. I'm sick of the blades. I'm sick of not wanting to eat. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being ugly. I'm sick of living!
I just want to run away with Sydney and Jayyson and never look back. I want to get away from these memories! I want to get away from the gleaming blades in my closet. I want it all to stop.
Yet here I am, still wondering if they'll notice these little things.
Will they notice how infatuated I've become with long sleeves?
Will they notice I need new razors too soon?
Will they notice my wanting of band-aids is for the cuts I make?
Will they notice my eyes have gone dull?
Will they notice the way my smile is fading?
Will they notice that I love these new bands because I've felt the feelings in the songs?
Will they notice I mean it when I tweet or retweet depressive and suicidal things?
Will they notice that they are what's slowly killing me?
I'm not good enough for them, I'm not good enough for Jayyson, I'm not good enough for Sydney. And I'm sure as hell not good enough to live.
Call me conceited, selfish, stupid, pathetic, worthless, fat, ugly, and/or ignorant. I still won't care because I'm done and I already know that all those names apply to me.
