November, 1 2013
Today in second period my heart sunk to my ankles and then broke from the impact. One of my three best friends- the one I've been best friends with the longest- told me the following:
"Did you get my message on twitter?"
I made a confused face and she went on.
"I found your "secret account" and the picture of your wrist."
The words were so obvious and plain. They stung and my stomach went cold. She had found out, and she had said it so obviously that anyone could have heard and knew what she meant. I tried to play like I was clueless, after all, my name wasn't on my account.
"You know what I mean." She took my wrist and pushed up the three beaded bracelets. I think she was the scars because after that she clicked her tongue and released my arm. Right then I felt so worthless and pathetic. I know she didn't meant to, but I knew I had let her down. I was just disappointing yet another person I cared about. I told her not to talk about it here and not to tell anyone. Then that was it.
Until after school Kami made me walk home with her and she brought up the topic again. She went more in depth with it.
"I would feel selfish if I did that. I've thought about suicide before, but I felt so selfish thinking about killing myself. I though about how I would make all the people who care about me feel..."
Again with that first sentence she verbally slapped me and left a stinging feeling. I immediately thought about something another anonomous account had tweeted: "Is it more selfish to make others happy by living a miserable life, or to keep a miserable person from dying and fading into happiness?" I wanted to say it, but my hands had gotten clammy and quivered. I knew I didn't have the strength to be bold and instead I did what I always resort to: stammering and trying to laugh it all off. She wasn't happy about that.
"Do you think it's not a big deal?" She sharply asked. She sounded like a mother talking to her kid that just got expelled.
"I know it is, but I don't want you all to treat it like one!"
"Why didn't you just tell us though?! We asked Trinity and she said you couldn't be and acted like she knew every fucking thing about you. We felt like you didn't care about us anymore. You've seriously changed so much, it's like you're not even you."
"I do care. I would always pick you guys before her! Never doubt that! I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want you guys checking my fucking wrists daily like fucking Trinity did to Sydney! I didn't want you guys to not trust me!"
"What the hell do you mean not trust you? You didn't trust us!"
"Sydnee already doesn't trust me with a goddamn PENCIL."
"Pencil? What do you mean?"
"In gym when I got up to show Mrs. Altenburg my word find; I accidentally stabbed my finger, and when I told Syd she asked if I did it on purpose. If I had told you guys you wouldn't trust me with scissors for an art project!"
Kami made a confused face and I zoned out a bit. I don't remember much else, but I do remember her telling me not to do it again.
"It's not that easy, Kami. It's not just like I can flip a switch and I'm better."
"I know, but can you try?"
"OK, I can try." Mental emphasis on the 'try'. There was a pause before she started up again.
"Do you really think all those things?"
I tried to evade a direct answer by simply saying, "Most of them are re-tweets of poems and stuff."
She seemed to accept it and that was basically all. We went to her house and she invited me in. We watched a movie then I walked home. I deleted my account so they couldn't continue keeping up on it. Also Kami wanted me too and I didn't want her to worry.
It's November 20th now and I haven't self-harmed since the 14th when I found out Jayyson died. I'm still sad and continue to contemplate suicide daily, but I don't have the materials or guts to do it. So that's it for now. In a few days I will indeed have an update. A happy one, maybe deep. ;D WOOT!
