October, 18, 2013
I found out Jayyson didn't make it through a few days ago. I was going to make my tribute then, but I couldn't bring myself to type it. The first few hours I was just in shock and pretending I was ok. No one knew that I loved him. No one around me even knew about him at all. I don't even know if he knew that I still loved him, even though I was pretending I didn't. I'm sorry I lied Jayyson, I just wanted you to break up with your slut and ask me to break up with my douche bag. I wanted you to come after me. I wanted you to show how you truly felt about me. I wanted you to care! But maybe you were showing how you felt? Maybe you dind't show you cared anymore because you didn't? I feel like it's all my fault. I should have set my stupid and selfish needs aside to help heal you. I never found out why you were broken. Jayyson come back and help me help you. Save us from this bullshit. Actually forget me! Jayyson I want you to come back and just take Sydney and run away with her. The fantasy was that all 3 of us would go together but I wasn't ever really part of that group. It was you, Alix, Sydney, Oli, and Chelsea. I didn't fit. I never could. You guys were all in Souix Falls shopping and having parties together while I sat alone tweeting Sydney while it all happened.
Oh yeah! Jayyson, I also put together that play list- Jayykki's Infinite Playlist. I heard most of the songs for the first time. The Frankenstein and The Bride by BOTDF broke my heart. All of them did. They all were like you. They were sad, beautiful, amazing, meaningful- but most of all, they all broke me.
You once said that we were like trousers, and that we would always be together. I was such a fool. You lied, Jayyson. We never were going to be together because you didn't want us to. I was such a fool. I believed we were meant to be- like the trousers. I never noticed that all the while our seams were being torn apart. Now we've finally ripped and each leg is just discarded on the floor. I was such a fool to believe you cared, but I guess there's a 'lie' in 'beLIEve' too.
" I;'ll get back to you, if you come back to me."
"Take love, and multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depths of forever and you'd still only get a glimpse of how I feel for you."
<3 R.I.P Jayyson. Good bye, Imzadi.
