December 5, 2013
So the past few nights I have been coming close to crying, almost self-harming, and considering suicide.
Two nights ago I started thinking about Jayyson again. I think of him everyday, and I'm sad everyday because of it. But I started to think "This is all my fault."
If I hadn't been a stupid prick in 4-5th grade and left Sydney, left my best friend, like she didn't mattered when she really meant so FUCKING much; she might not of hurt her perfect wrists and other body parts.
Is her depression my fault?
If she hadn't been depressed she might not of met Jayyson and Alix.
Is Alix's suicide MY fault?
When I strolled back into Sydney's life I was kinda taking away Jayyson and Sydney. I was always hanging out with Sydney, and always blabbering to Jayyson on twitter.
Was I taking away two of her precious healers?
That could have lead to her overdose; when she just couldn't take all the bottled up emotions she swallowed the bottled up pills.
Did I indirectly kill Alix?
When Alix died it took a chunk of Sydney and Jayyson. That missing chunk made them both head into a downward spiral of relapses, but if Sydney had never met me none of this might not of happened.
When school started back up I started getting angry with Jayyson. I didn't take in that he was supporting himself. He wasn't living with parents that took care of everything. He was just with his brother, who was busy supporting himself. Of course he didn't have time to please my stupidity.
I started doing things like yelling at him, dating other boys to make him jealous, told him I was just done trying. I told him I was done so many times. I'm still trying, but now I'm trying at forgiveness.
Is it my fault Jayyson is DEAD?
"Love of my life."
That's what Jayyson was. I wanted to spend eternity with him. Yet, when Alix died, which was possibly my fault, the part that it took out of him was just enlarged when I started being a bitch too. Until he couldn't take it either.
Is it all my fault?
Yes.
Now I'm not saying that I was Jayyson's world, like how he was mine. I'm not saying he killed himself because I was upset with him. No.
It's my fault because I wasn't good enough to save him.
I wasn't good enough to keep Sydney safe from the cold world in elementary.
And I didn't just drop my ego and come right back to her when my head cleared.
I was a fool, and this is why I can't commit suicide. I can't kill myself because I DESERVE to wallow in this guilt. I deserve to live this life of secrets and sadness. I deserve it all, and more. Because I wasn't good enough.
I hate myself everyday for this list of possibilities.
I HATE myself.
And I hate being consoled by people because they don't see that this duty is what keeps me alive! And I don't know yet if I want to be fixed or dead.
So PLEASE.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.
FUCK OFF.
