Remembering Firsts.

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Did I let you down to get that sound

And break my knees to get release

And you needed some just to take you from

And I hit you more

Is your face still sore?

Sorry but I tried

It was never mine

And I can still pretend

I guess it all depends

I'm still a little crazy all the time

But I still try to hide it

That's still mine

Try a little more

a little more

a little more

They slap you like a bitch

and you take it like a whore

What a cheap perfume

I hate this room

So testify

But I still tried

And you need that stamp

Little handshake tramp

And you hit me more

And my face is still sore

Sorry but I tried

It was never mine

And I can still pretend

I guess it all depends

I'm still a little crazy all the time

But I still try to hide it

That's still mine

Try a little more

a little more

a little more

They slap you like a bitch

and you take it like a whore

Upside down

and around

and around

Just another piece

Till you need another sound

Faze them out

I know what you scream about

Don't let me down

And the guilt in me is the hurt in you

And the hurt in you is the lost in me

And the lost in me is the need in you

And the need in you is the guilt in me

Try a little more

a little more

a little more

They slap you like a bitch

and you take it like a whore

Upside down

and around

and around

Just another piece

Till you need another sound

Try a little more

a little more

a little more

They slap you like a bitch

and you take it like a whore

Upside down

and around

and around

Just another piece

Till you need another sound

Shake Tramp by Mariana's Trench

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THEY SLAP YOU LIKE A BITCH AND YOU TAKE IT LIKE A WHORE.

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June 13, 2014

So I fucking cried myself to sleep last night. I'm such a little bitch. I guess I'll tell you why... not that you actually want to know anything I put in this stupid online journal.

So, yes I have a boyfriend. No, I didn't get with that guy from the previous update. Yes, I have two rekindled crushes. No, I haven't broken up with my boyfriend. Yes, I'm aware I'm a pathetic skitch.

Both of my crushes are completely clueless that all I want to do with my life is cuddle up to them, lay my head on his chest, and cry my little heart out while his arm is around me so his hand rest right where my body has a feminine curve like an hourglass. I just want one of them to hold me through at least one night. So I can just be happy for a while. Who are these two mystery men? I won't say exactly, because one might read this. I can't say for sure though.

They're both tall, pale, dark haired, kinda shy, and totally sweet. They both love Internet, like me!

Guy number one is the first guy I ever cuddled with. Here's and excerpt from that beautiful memory! ------------------------>

One certain memory floods my mind and overrides Everything else. It's you and me. Cuddling. It's silent between us and you can hear the cheers from the foot ball game and the announcer. It's homecoming. We are laying down on the high jump mats. Your arms tighten around me. Just a little. But I love it. I indiscreetly snuggle closer to you and smile into your chest. For a moment, my life's complications don't matter. <------------------------------

I also remember from that night my mother had bought me a new perfume, it was Victoria's Secret perfume and after we started dating I would put the perfume on to remind me of that night when I first wore it and won you over. After we broke up I never wore it again. I hate myself for breaking up with you for that douche that lead me on. We didn't start out right anyway. I can't even remember the name of the perfume anymore. I still like you though.

Guy number two is someone who was never mine but I was always his. I always openly showed I wanted him to love me like I loved him, but he always went straight for his whores and never me. Why do boys just want to stick their dicks somewhere!? It broke me down and ruined us. Then he was just gone completely. That was the around first time I cut. That was when I still merely scraped four little, red, swelling lines. Then he came back, but the tables had changed. I was the dealer now! He came back and begged me to love him again, but the monitor had gone cold. My heart was frozen like a stone in winter. I didn't trust him. I told him he had to restart because he chose to leave. He didn't even FUCKING TRY. I'm so pathetic that I still had to try though! because "I miiissed him and I looove him!" Ugh, the sad part is that I can't help it.

I hate me because I want him.

I hate him because he doesn't want me.

I hate me because I won't get the FUCK over him.

I hate him because he's always off with other girls and leaving me miserable.

I hate me because I don't tell him I'm miserable.

I hate him because he doesn't notice how obviously miserable I am.

I hate me because I know I don't actually hate him.

I really just hate myself for everything I am.

Guy number two you probably know who you are and I don't care if you know anymore. Even if you did care you wouldn't pursue me anyway so I don't know why I bother.

I'm just a stupid little tramp.

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