Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

nine

Karlie

"These are the most delicious cookies I've had in my entire life!" I moaned as I felt the chocolate chips melt into my mouth. "How much butter did you use!"

Taylor laughed, but there was a slightly nervous energy to it. "Way more than the healthy amount. These cookies are like the epitome of diabetes," she deadpanned. I knew we were both stalling for time; wasting our words on pointless small talk as we tried to silently beg the other to begin our inevitable conversation. We each ate one more cookie in silence, sneaking glances at the other when we thought they weren't looking and blushing when we were caught.

It was Taylor who finally broke the silence. "Um, so I guess we should talk about...y'know."

I nodded.

She brought her hand up and tucked a strand of long blond hair behind her ear before she spoke. "I...guess um, all I can say is that I liked it. The kiss, I mean. And it's okay if you didn't, but I just wanted you to know."

Her eyes barely met mine. Don't get frustrated, Karlie, I told myself. Just tell her how you feel. It's not that difficult. I took a breath, "I did too. And I know I'm kind of inexperienced and I get if you don't want a, like, relationship or anything with me. I'm younger, and I have a lot of issues and baggage, and um...I've never, uh, been with anyone like that, and you're really busy and," everything came out at once in an incoherent muddle, "I have walls that I've never...I've never really opened up to anyone, but I really do like you."

Taylor grabbed my trembling hands in hers. She rubbed her calloused fingers across my skin, causing goosebumps to travel slowly up my arms. She sighed, and brought her head up so that her eyes met mine. I gazed into their ocean of blue and drank in their beauty.

"I would love to date you, Karlie. But I was thinking last night, and I realized," she paused, "I realized that I can't make that decision. My life isn't normal. And a relationship with someone like me is way more complex than what meets the eye. And sometimes, yeah, I hate my life. But the positive things outweigh the negative aspects for me. I don't think that would be the same for you. And-"

"What if I told you I don't care about all that bullshit?" I said. Taylor sighed shakily. She removed her hand from mine and tucked her hair behind her ears again. Her shoulders raised higher before she spoke.

"Well, I care about you, and I don't want to drag you into the spotlight. It's one thing for a dream, a career or whatever, but a completely different one for just a relationship. And I wouldn't want to hurt your recovery. That should be a priority above a relationship for you right now."

I clenched my toes tightly as I tried to remain calm. "It's my life, Taylor. I think I should be able to make my own decisions."

Taylor's gaze shifted over to the corner of the room, where Meredith watched us wearily. I saw her take a deep breath before looking back at me. "I understand where you're coming from, but I don't necessarily agree. Obviously you should be able to make your own decisions, but, sometimes people don't choose the things that are best for them, and they regret their decisions with the wisdom of hindsight." She spoke slowly, as if trying to form perfect responses in her head before the words even left her mouth. Even in the privacy of her own home, she meticulously composed what she was going to say.

This revelation surprised me.

Taylor seemed like such a perfect and put together person, but that was the only thing she chose to show. She was an imperfect, flawed being, and she had secrets, just like the rest of us. Somehow, knowing this allowed me to see things from her perspective slightly. "It's just me, you know," I told her, "You can tell me what you're worried about."

Her head snapped up to look at me and her eyes widened slightly. "That's what I think, Karlie," she said.

"Not all of it," I countered. She was being unfair, right? I had told her exactly what I felt, so shouldn't she do the same?

"Well, um, I guess I might be scared a little bit. Scared isn't the right word exactly. Just, cautious, I guess."

"Hmmm?"

"Well, you know that the last two relationships I was in didn't end well. And I just feel like there's not really gonna be a 'happy ending' for me in that sense. Um, and I just feel like it's unfair to, like, drag you into my life when you deserve so much better."

"Taylor?" Her eyes darted up to meet mine.

"Yeah?"

"You need to chill. You're 24. Live a little!" She raised an eyebrow. "Okay, maybe I'm not the best person to be giving you this advice, considering my impulsive ways, but give me some credit here! I'm really trying!"

Taylor's somber expression melted into a smile. "You are literally the best."

I rolled my eyes. "Haha, yeah right," I said, my sarcastic tone obvious. "This is literally the most sane conversation I've had with another human in a while." As soon as the words exited my mouth, I regretted them. Who wants to be involved with a crazy person who is so preoccupied with her craziness that she can't even hold a semi-normal conversation.

But apparently, my statement didn't faze her, because her reply was only a, "We've all been there," as she stuck her tongue out and tried not to giggle.

"Damn, Swift! You're so fucking adorable," I couldn't help but say.

"Oh, you haven't even seen me in a onesie, Kloss," she deadpanned. "But seriously, I think we do need to talk about whatever is going to happen."

"Okay."

"This is what I know: I know that I'm kind of jaded from having all of these failed relationships. I know that the media, and the attention we were getting contributed to the end of most of those relationships. And I know that it's not at all fair for anyone to be put through that, especially someone who isn't in the public eye already, because, if it doesn't work out, you'll just be known as 'Taylor Swift's ex' instead of your own being with feeling and accomplishments."

I nodded. "Okay, I understand how you feel." I cringed slightly, because it sounded like I was reading from the communication poster on my therapist's wall. But I understood. That was definitely an improvement, right?

I decided to mimic Taylor's approach. "Well, I guess what I know is that I'm trying to put my recovery above everything else. But I also don't want that to be the only thing in my life. I know that I usually make impulsive decisions, but I'm really trying to think about the future. Um, so I guess it's not a good idea just to jump into this. But I want to."

"Y'know," Taylor said thoughtfully, "There are ways that we could be together and not flaunt it in public. There are ways that we could make it secret without making it secret, if you know what I mean. I know it's not ideal, and you probably don't deserve any of this, but if we try to make it so the media doesn't know about us, it would probably be better for you. I have an amazing publicist, and she could help us. And we could, I don't know, but it would be kind of normal, I guess." Taylor's eyes lit up as she spoke faster and faster. She somehow reminded me of a playful, mischievous three year old and an extremely wise eighty year old at the same time.

"Well, I always like to live my life with a little air of mystery. And if this means that I get to hang with your security and learn all of the secret ways into your apartment, I'm in!" I joked. "Seriously though, I don't think it would fuck me up anymore than I already am."

In hindsight, however, this may not have been the most intelligent way to go about things.