Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

fifteen

Taylor

"OH MY GOD! Sorry, I was not prepared for this much nudity!" I screeched. Karlie was showing me her favorite video game called Heavy Rain. And it was much more, um, mature than I was expecting.

Karlie laughed. "Don't say I didn't warn you!" She had her hands over mine and was, very patiently, explaining how to play. After about five more minutes trying to figure out the controls, I gave up. I liked watching Karlie play, and I wanted to sit back and enjoy the storyline.

Once her sobs had subsided, she decided to introduce me into her world of gaming. My only other experience with video games was playing candy crush on my phone. I don't think that counts. Austin also played video games often, but they were often violent, and Heavy Rain didn't seem to be. Yet.

I took another sip of beer. Karlie's eyes were trained on the game and her fingers moved easily. I could tell she'd played it many times before. She seemed to be feeling better than before, so I decided to ask. "You go to therapy, right?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Yeah. Why?" she asked defensively.

I shrugged, surprised that I was actually nervous to tell her. It was slightly ironic, considering how she felt merely moments before. "No reason in particular. I go to therapy as well. Sometimes. I just went for the first time in awhile yesterday." I saw her features relax slightly.

Usually, when I disclosed that I go to therapy, people interrogate me about every little detail of it. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but I couldn't help feeling that it was when everyone seemed to judge me for it.

Karlie probably felt the same way. I decided to keep talking about myself. Maybe that would help her open up to me. I just wanted her to feel safe enough around me to be able to share whatever was bothering her. "I have anxiety, actually. That's kind of why I started going to therapy. Most of the time I'm okay, but sometimes is nice to have someone to talk to, right?"

Karlie smiled. She continued to stare intently at the screen, but I knew she was listening. "Yeah, I was pretty much forced into therapy after I got out of treatment, but I actually like it more than I thought I would. I started journaling recently, because my therapist made me, but I'm starting to like it. It's nice to have an outlet."

"That's exactly how I feel about my writing," I agreed.

There was a short silence as Karlie tried to concentrate on her game. The main character had lost his son at the mall, and was running around trying to find him. "I don't even know why I bother trying to find him. He always dies anyway," she said through clenched teeth.

I sat up quickly. "Wait! He dies?"

Karlie laughed, "Yeah, sorry. He gets hit by a car." I watched the game for a few more seconds until the little kid started crossing the street.

"I'm closing my eyes!" I yelled. Karlie giggled and pulled me into a hug.

"I'm guessing this is where the real action starts?" I asked, as she let go of me and turned her attention back to the screen.

"Yeah, sorry about that." The game began to show different shots of a rainy, dismal town. We continued to sit silently. I looked at the screen, but didn't really pay attention to it. My thoughts wandered, once again.

What was Karlie keeping from me? I had read through all of her tumblr posts, but they were mostly cryptic and probably written more for herself than anyone else. What darkness was lurking behind those beautiful green eyes?

Karlie

I stared at my tv as the credits of Heavy Rain played. Taylor had been so nice and understanding. I could trust her with anything. Right? "I have anxiety, too," I blurted out unexpectedly. Way to go, Karlie.

Taylor nodded, "Thanks for telling me."

See, I can trust her. She's not going to judge me.

This time, Taylor seemed determined to keep talking. I didn't mind the silence, but maybe she did. "I was like 16 when I came out to my parents," she said. Why did she have to take the conversation in this direction? "I was pretty scared. I knew that they wouldn't mind, and that they would accept me, or whatever, but I was still scared. I feel bad about that sometimes. When my music started to get out there though, everyone basically told me to keep quiet about it. They probably just did that for selfish reasons. Because they thought I would make less money if I wasn't perceived as straight. Eventually, I just had to tell everyone. I couldn't lie about it anymore."

I smiled at the memory of that day. "I remember that. It really helped me."

"I'm glad."

I took a deep breath. "You probably know that my coming out wasn't one of the better ones. I didn't even mean to; it was completely by accident, which made it worse. I realized that I had a crush on this girl in seventh grade, and I wrote about it in my diary. It wasn't locked or anything, and I forgot to put it away, so my parents read it. They have the pretty stereotypical argument against being gay. Religion and it being unnatural and stuff." Taylor nodded and smiled sympathetically. She took my hands in hers and intertwined our fingers. "I've just been scared of them since then. That's why I reacted so...like, aggressively, I guess. My sister told me that they want to see me. I haven't seen them in about a year, and I...I just can't."

Taylor leaned forward and waited for me to close the gap between our lips. The kiss was innocent and sweet, just like the others we'd exchanged. "You're not ready," she said when we pulled apart. And that's okay."