Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

twenty seven

Taylor

I held Karlie tightly as we sat together on the bathroom floor. Tears ran down my face and I could taste the salt of them on my tongue. We stayed there for God-knows-how long before finally parting. "Why don't you go back into the room and get dressed," I told Karlie, "You can look for something to wear in my closet." She nodded, and slowly walked out of the room.

I crossed the room to the sink, where I tried to wash her blood from my hands. It took a few minutes, and some still resided underneath my short fingernails. I sighed, roughly drying my hands on a towel. I put the first aid kit back into the cabinet, and walked into my room.

Karlie was on the bed in a pair of my shorts and my sweater that had the word "genius" printed on it in neat, black letters. I promptly joined her on the bed.

"I...I'm sorry for this mess tonight." Karlie's voice was small, and she refused to meet my eyes. Instead, she focused her gaze onto her hands, which were fidgeting. She took a deep breath, and began to talk quickly, and I suspected that she had planned what she was about to say while I was in the bathroom. "I need to apologize for a lot things. I didn't mean to start a...an argument earlier, but I did, and I'm so sorry. I was feeling...I was feeling insecure, and just angry about everything in general. That's not an excuse, or anything, but it, like, justified what I was doing? I don't know how to explain how I was feeling, and I know that it bothers you when I yell, and I did it anyway, and that's...that's awful of me," she paused, and took a breath to steady herself.

She seemed so vulnerable, and I wanted to forgive her right then and there. But I couldn't. It wasn't fair to myself, it wasn't fair to either of us. How did I know that something like this wouldn't happen again? How could I know if she would change?

She continued, "I was just thinking about how, earlier, I said something about how I work so hard not to be the person I used to be. And, I realized that maybe I don't work as hard as I think I do. Because," she wavered for a second, "Tonight, when I was sitting in that bar, it felt just like I would've felt a year ago. I keep...I keep slipping back into old habits, and I don't want to be that person constantly in and out of rehab, y'know?" I was amazed that she still had tears to be shed.

"Maybe," I hesitated, unsure of whether I should continue, "Maybe you could do, like, an anger management thing, or...I don't know."

Karlie nodded, "Yeah, I could ask Dr. Reynolds about that, if you think that'll help." I looked up in relief that she hadn't dismissed the idea, or thought it was too invasive. "I have therapy on Thursday. I'll talk to her about it."

I noticed that my hands were trembling. I couldn't keep John a secret anymore. I had to tell her. I wanted her to understand. "Karlie?"
"Hmmm?"

"C-can I tell you why I don't like yelling, and stuff?" I whispered.

Her brow furrowed. "If you want to, of course. But I don't want you to feel obligated to."

I had to tell her. I don't know why, but something inside of me wanted everything out in the open, and I wasn't going to fight it. I found her hand on the mattress and intertwined our fingers. "I once dated somebody--Well, you know, I dated John Mayer. It was a while ago. I was 19, and young and naive. He...he used that against me."

I concentrated on a loose thread in the bedding. I tried to summon the courage from within in order to utter the words that I used to aggressively refuse to use as a label, in fear that I would be seen as something other than myself, in fear that I would been seen as a victim.

"He was abusive." Karlie's grip tightened on my hand and a low growl rose from her throat. "Not physically. He never hit me. But it was, it was constant manipulation, and lies, and he always made me feel guilty about every little thing I did. And I didn't know any better. It was my first serious relationship, and I guess I just thought that it was a part of growing up, or something. And now, whenever someone I'm dating yells at me, I just feel...like I don't have control."

There was quiet. Karlie slid a finger back and forth across my knuckles in an attempt to provide comfort.

"Thank you for telling me," Karlie breathed. "I'm going to try and do better. I promise. I'm not going to hurt you like he did."

"I know you won't."

The sun was beginning to peek out after a long night, and I felt better. Karlie and I lay in bed, listening to each other's breaths until sleep came.