Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

fourteen

Trigger warning: self harm - not too graphic

Karlie

I could feel my mouth begin to dry and my palms begin to sweat. Nervously, I wiped them on my jeans. Taylor seemed to notice my discomfort because she took my hands into hers and held them tightly. When I lifted my head, our eyes met and I was instantly calmed by their piercing ocean of blue.

"I...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for, um, getting mad at you. I was just upset, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you," I whispered.

Taylor smiled slightly and gently kissed my forehead. "It's okay. I wasn't expecting it, but we all have our moments."

"Sorry."

"It's fine! I'm serious!" she smiled. I didn't deserve her.

I shook my head. "It's not. I...I just have trouble controlling my emotions sometimes. More like all the time. I've just been really stressed lately. But that's not your fault."

Taylor nodded sympathetically. "Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I can listen. If you want...."

Did I want to tell her? Not really, but, according to Dr. Reynolds, telling Taylor would be helpful. Besides, better sooner than later. Give her time to leave before either of us got too attached. "Okay," I said simply, trying to prolong the conversation for as long as possible.

Taylor looked slightly surprised. "You're sure?"

I nodded, although I was anything but. "Well, you already know that I have borderline personality disorder. How...like how much do you know about that?"

She shrugged. "I googled it, and read a few articles about it, but I don't know how it feels like for you."

I snuggled in closer to her side and breathed in her scent. It made me feel so safe. "I mean, for me, it's just that I'm so sensitive and I have super intense mood swings. And sometimes I make impulsive decisions and I'm really scared to get close to anyone because I'm scared that they won't stay and I-" I had let everything out in one huge breath, but, for some reason, I couldn't continue. I wanted to tell her about the self harm and the hookups and the anxiety and depression. I wanted to tell her about the terror I felt when my parents found out that I liked another girl, and how that fear never really went away. But I was afraid.

"Hey," Taylor said as she pressed her lips to my cheek, "You don't have to tell me everything right now."

I smiled weakly. "I want to...but I-I don't..." I trailed off, unsure of how to continue. "I just don't want you to think of me differently or anything."

As soon as I said this, Taylor gathered me in her arms. ""Hey. You don't have to worry about that. Ever. I know how hard it is to tell people about stuff like this."

That's what everyone says, I thought, still unsure. "How do I know you won't leave?" The words left my lips before I could think of their consequences.

Taylor sighed. "Well, I can just tell you that I'll stay, but that probably won't help." she paused for a moment. Then, still holding me close, she began to speak once more. "Sometimes, at meet and greets or on tumblr or something, a fan will tell me about something terrible that's happened to them. Like, they'll tell me about when they were raped, or about their mental illnesses, or, I don't know, how they got out of an abusive relationship or something. And I may not understand everything they've been through, but I always listen. And I never leave them alone to deal with their issues. I always try to help in any way that I can."

I looked up at her. Her gaze was planted on an unidentifiable area, and her eyes had a faraway look in them that lead me to believe that her mind wasn't here in this room at all. I wanted to know what she was thinking. "You're so perfect," I said, placing a hand underneath her chin and turning her head towards me. Taylor's eyes looked downwards and a light blush appeared on her cheeks.

"Thanks for saying that," she said.

I cleared my throat. I wanted her to know. But I didn't want to tell her. That was the problem. "Taylor?"

"Mmmmm?"

"I...there's something else. I..." I couldn't speak all of a sudden, because if the huge lump in my throat. Why did this have to be so hard? I looked away from her and bit down on my lip harshly to stop the tears from falling. If she wasn't holding my hands, my nails would already have been digging into my thighs.

"Hey, love, it's okay. You don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready yet." Taylor's soothing voice brought me out of my thoughts. I stopped biting down on my lip, which was bleeding slightly. The metallic taste of the blood present on my tongue made me feel slightly ashamed of my actions. How pathetic was it that I could barely go a day without deliberately hurting myself?

The tears began cascading down my cheeks before I could even register what was happening. I tried to wipe them away quickly so that Taylor wouldn't see, but, the more violently I wiped them away, the more quickly they fell.

"Let it out," she said as she embraced me. "It's going to be okay. I promise. It will get better. It does get better."

As I wept silently, I could feel all the pent up emotions from years of neglect and numbing seeping out of my body and into the room. Taylor could see them, and she wasn't going to leave. She wasn't like the others.