Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

nineteen

Karlie

My foot tapped anxiously and my hands were folded tightly in my lap as I waited for Dr. Reynolds to finish her session. I felt more exposed than usual, and it probably had something to do with the fact that Taylor was sitting next to me, scrolling through her phone.

We we're leaving for Nashville to visit Andrea and Scott right after therapy, so Taylor thought she could just hang around and respond to some emails during my session. But, by just being there, she was making me nervous. She was the first person besides my sisters who I trusted enough to confide in this much.

Finally, Dr. Reynolds walked into the room, her last client (whom I knew only by sight) waved at me as she exited the building. I nodded and smiled weakly in response. I stood up slowly, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans. Taylor turned off her phone with a loud click that seemed to resonate throughout the silence.

I cleared my throat, "Um, Dr. Reynolds, this is Taylor. Taylor, this is Dr. Reynolds." The two of them shook hands.

"Hi, nice to meet you," Taylor said, as a genuine smile spread across her face.

Dr. Reynolds grinned as well. "You too."

Taylor grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "See you in 45 minutes, love."

I couldn't help the blush that spread across my cheeks. "Yeah, see you," I said, internally cringing at my awkwardness. I let go of Taylor's hand and followed Dr. Reynolds into the room.

"So, Karlie, how are you doing?" She asked, as I sat down on the couch.

I shrugged. "I'm good. Taylor and I are leaving to visit her parents after I leave, so that's why she was here."

"It was nice to meet her. She seems very sweet." Then, turning slightly more serious, she said, "I got your message a few days ago. Would you like to elaborate on," she pulled out her phone, "and I quote, 'holy shit tay and i had sex well not really but kind of and then i was all ughhhh and she was all nice but then we talked and it was all good now but i need to ask you awkward sex questions at our next session please and thank you bye.'"

I felt myself blush as I mentally face palmed. Not meeting Dr. Reynolds' eyes, I began to explain. "Well..." I looked up. Dr. Reynolds was watching me expectantly. My nerves intensified slightly. "Um, so I was at Taylor's house and we were kind of, you know, making out and stuff. And then it kind of started to, like, get more intense or whatever and she asked if she could, um, take my shirt off." I paused for a moment, and tried to gather my thoughts. "And I kind of realized that what we were doing was different from just hooking up with someone and that Taylor wasn't going to leave afterwards or anything. And I realized that I'm just not ready for that yet, because," I swallowed, "I don't want her to see my scars."

Dr. Reynolds nodded. "That's understandable. How did she react?"

I smiled. "She was really nice about it, actually. I was kind of--well not kind of--panicking, but she just sat with me, and then we talked afterwards. I told her about my cutting and I told her that I wasn't ready and she was super understanding and kind and stuff."

"I'm glad that you were able to share that with her. You're getting better at opening up, Karlie. That's really good." There was a brief silence before she spoke again. "What exactly about having sex scares you?"

My brow furrowed as I tried to isolate the source of my fear. "I don't know... I'm scared of, like, being so exposed. It's not the physical having sex part. It's just the feelings attached to that. But mostly, it's my physical scars. Because, I feel like you can kind of cover up your feelings and your past and stuff, but my scars are a physical representation of that." I twirled a strand of hair around my finger, and examined the split ends. "But, it's not like I don't want to have sex with her either. You get what I mean?"

"Yes. I think you should tell Taylor how you're feeling. Talk about this, communicate what you both want, and go from there. Since showing her your scars is what seems to be the main problem, you could keep some of your clothes on, if that makes you feel more comfortable. But, the most important thing to remember is just to move at your own pace."

I nodded, "Okay. I'll talk to her."

●●●○○○●●●

"So, how'd it go?" Taylor asked after we'd braved the army of paparazzi and slid into the car.

I shrugged. "Normal. Can we get some food before we fly out? Analyzing my feelings makes me hungry."

Taylor laughed, "I was thinking that we could just get burgers. There's a really good place on the way." Just as I opened my mouth to answer, my stomach growled loudly. "I'm going to take that as a yes, then."