Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

twenty four

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT

Karlie

An unattractive sob cut escaped my mouth and blended with the cacophony of the city. My mind and body were in disconnect: my body was on autopilot and my feet trudged on without my bidding, while my mind had never left Taylor's apartment. By this time, I'd dissected our entire conversation, and my mistakes and insults were tumors I had completely overlooked.

I hadn't been there in months, but I somehow found myself back at my old favorite bar. Drinking didn't play a huge role in my life after treatment, but alcohol sounded like the only remedy to this problem. I flashed my ID at the bouncer and immersed myself back into the life I'd sworn to leave behind.

I sat down on a stool, slumping low into the chair. Loud, generic pop music pounded at my ear drums. Sleazy drunk guys eyed me creepily. I massaged my temple, shaking my head in wonderment at how my younger self considered this "fun."

The bartender approached me, and I ordered a drink just so I wouldn't feel so out of place. The place smelled of regret and shame, and I inhaled deeply, filling my body with toxins I'd brought upon myself. I hated this.

Taylor

My shaking hands struggled to hold my hair back as I threw up into the toilet. The only seemingly good thing about this was that the shock of it seemed to end my panic attack. I slumped onto the floor of the bathroom, unable to move. It felt like I just ran a marathon. Now, instead of feeling like I was dying, I just wanted to sleep. Instead, I forced myself to stand. I clumsily stumbled into the shower, forcing my eyes to stay open.

As the water hit my body, I let out an unintelligible whimper. That was scary. I hadn't had that serious of a panic attack in years. And, even when I had, I was never alone. You're a big girl now, Taylor. You need to learn how to take care of yourself.

Suddenly, my mind was brought back to Karlie. Where did she go? Was she okay? Was she hurting herself?

My thoughts began to spiral again. I finished showering in record time. I dried myself off as I ran into my room. I pulled on sweatpants and random t-shirt. Picking up my phone from the floor where I dropped it, I called her.

The phone ringing felt like the longest ten seconds of my life. When it finally went to voicemail, I sighed shakily, and felt the tightness of my chest increase. "Karlie, I...I'm sorry about earlier. I was panicking--I'm sorry--I didn't mean to... P-please don't hurt yourself or anything...please just come back here. We can talk about it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-" I was cut off by the voicemail ending.
"Fuck."

A violent sob escaped my lips and shook my body. How could I fix this?
What could I do?

I felt like I was 19 again.

I felt powerless.

Karlie

"Excuse me," somebody tapped my shoulder. I whipped around. "Mind if I buy you a drink?" The voice belonged to a woman around my age with bright red hair and a scattering of freckles across her nose.

"Oh," my voice came out raspy. I cleared my throat.

"I'm not hitting on you or anything," she assured me, "You just seemed lonely"

"Um, sure, I guess," I said. I felt slightly uncomfortable. I should've left and gone back to Taylor.

"I'm JJ," she said, while flagging down the bartender.

"Karlie."

She ordered drinks for both of us. "So, Karlie, what brings you here on a Tuesday evening?"

I swallowed against the lump in my throat. "I...I got in a fight with my girlfriend. Well, I'm not exactly sure that she's still my girlfriend."

JJ gave me a sympathetic smile. She placed her hand onto my shoulder, and I cautiously slid it off of me. For somebody who claimed not to be hitting on me, JJ was doing a poor job of proving it.

I'm still not entirely sure why I didn't just leave right then and there. I didn't want to be at this bar. I wanted to be cuddled up with Taylor and Meredith, watching Grey's Anatomy, even though I thought that show was overrated.

Instead, I stayed and blubbered to JJ about how much I fucked up my life, my relationship, everything, while she bought me drink after drink after drink. Soon, we were giggling at nonsense. Her hand snaked onto my shoulder several more times, but instead of staying weary, I just brushed it off. We we're both drunk, after all.

"Karlie, darlin', you've got to just...you just have to go for it, ya know?" Her hand lightly fell onto my thigh, resting on a questionable place. I flinched back, and she rolled her eyes, but moved her hand. "You need to relax, Karlie." She let out a loud giggle. "I need to pee! Come to the bathroom with me, pleaseeee!"

I nodded. She took my hand and nearly pulled me off the stool. Once the bathroom door closed, I felt like I could breathe a little better. The noise lessened considerably, and there were less people. We were alone.

I stood in the corner awkwardly, waiting for JJ to walk into one of the stalls. She didn't though. She just walked closer to me. "Don't you have to pee?" I asked, taking a miniscule step backwards. She intimidated me a bit.

JJ shook her head. "Actually, I just wanted to be alone with youuu." A shiver ran down my spine, but it wasn't the good kind. I didn't understand why my instincts were telling me to run. It was just JJ. She probably wanted to get away from the noise or something.

I can't even really remember how it started, but I was suddenly pressed up against the wall, with her lips pushed against mine, and her tongue shoved into my mouth. Shock ran through my veins like ice. I couldn't move, I couldn't think.

She pulled away a second later, and I managed to find my voice: "W-wait I-I have a girlfriend, I can't...I don't..." My throat closed up and I couldn't continue.

JJ rolled her eyes and smirked. "Don't you mean 'ex girlfriend'? Besides, what she doesn't know won't kill her," she replied in a sultry whisper.

I vaguely registered the sound of the door opening and somebody walking in before JJ attacked my mouth again. Her lips and teeth transitioned to my neck. I was screaming inside my head. I was telling myself to yell, "NO!" or, "STOP!" and to push her off. But, for some reason, my body wouldn't obey. She was biting and sucking my flesh in a way that was certain to leave marks.

Taylor is going to kill you. Assuming you ever see her again, I told myself.
Panic flooded my body. I felt like I was watching the scene from above myself. It felt like a thousand years, although it was only a few seconds. I had no control.

I felt powerless.

My arms were limp at my sides. Liquid terror was coursing through my veins, keeping me in place.

She pushed my shirt aside and began roughly kissing Taylor's favorite spot on my collarbone and it felt so wrong and so abrasive and so not like Taylor at all. Everything happening was too much. Thousands of emotions were flying around my mind, and I couldn't focus, I couldn't find anything solid to latch onto. There was nothing to ground me, to remind me that this was really happening.

And suddenly, one voice cut through the ruckus and silenced everything.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF OF HER!"