Darling You've Got Your Demons | Kaylor

twelve

Taylor

"Long time no see, honey!" Dr. Marilyn said, pulling me into a warm embrace. She led me into her office and I sat down on that all-too-familiar squishy sofa. Dr. Marilyn had been my therapist after all of the crazy stuff with him happened, and I still went to see her occasionally.

"Hey, Dr. Marilyn. It's nice to see you," I smiled sincerely. I reached into my bag and silenced my phone.

Dr. Marilyn smiled as well, as she tucked a strand of greying hair behind each ear. "So, Taylor, what's been going on? Catch me up on your life."

"Well," I started, not really knowing where to begin, "Red Tour is over, which is good because that's so much stress, but it also sucks because playing shows is usually the most fun thing ever. And, um, I've been working on new music, for a new album to be hopefully released in October sometime. But, I want to, like, officially transition into being a pop artist, and my label isn't very supportive of that, which is stressful."

"Mmmmm, sounds like you have a lot on your plate then," she commented. "What about your personal life? How's your family, your friends, any new love interests?" she raised her eyebrows.

I chuckled. "Well, Mom and Dad are great, as always, and I just talked to Austin recently, too. I think he's got a crush on some guy in one of his classes, which is exciting. He hasn't told me much, but Mom and I are trying to force him to tell us. My friends are awesome, too." I wiped my slightly sweaty hands on my pants. "And I actually am seeing someone. Um, her name is Karlie."

"That's great, Taylor! What is she like?"

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. "She's amazing. She's sweet and determined and really tries to understand the complexities of my life, instead of running away from them. Um, and also she has borderline personality disorder. She just got out of treatment for a few things related to that. She hasn't told me exactly what."

"Oh, wow," Dr. Marilyn said, as she, again, attempted to tuck a few wispy pieces of hair behind her ears. "How did you meet her?"

"Well I was doing a visit to the treatment center she was in. My friend Lily knows someone who went there, and told me about it. And anyways, we met there, and after she got out, I invited her out for coffee. It was entirely platonic then. Is that, like, weird? Like, if she was a fan of me before?" As I rambled on, a nervous habit of mine when I'd had too much coffee, some of my earlier doubts began to surface.

"I think it could cause some problems, however I know your intentions aren't negative. The thing with celebrity/fan relationships is that the fan might feel the need to perform for the celebrity in certain situations. It's tricky, because even though consent can be given, the fan may feel like they cannot refuse in case they upset the celebrity because the celebrity is in a position of power over them."

Not at all what I was hoping to hear.

"So basically I should break up with her?" I snapped cynically.

Dr. Marilyn smiled kindly. "That's not at all what I'm saying. I'm just saying that this relationship needs both of your commitment to be healthy for both of you. You need to make sure you guys really communicate what you want to each other. Make sure to ask her if she's sure of what she wants, and patience is always good idea. Especially because she has BPD."

"Okay," I said. That seemed do-able.

"Is she seeing a therapist?" Dr. Marilyn asked.

I shrugged. "We've never talked about it. But I can ask her."

There was silence for ask few seconds. My palms had gotten slightly sweaty. I wanted to bring up Karlie's...outburst from the night before. But I was nervous. Obviously.

I took a deep breath. "Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Dr. Marilyn nodded, motioning for me to go on.

"Well," I said, unsure of how to begin, " Last night, Karlie called me, and she was upset. Really upset. She's had some past trouble with her parents and apparently they were calling and asking to see her. We haven't really talked much about what happened, because it's been only a little more than a week. But, she was totally freaking out, and, like, having a panic attack and screaming." I took another deep breath. "And I was trying to help her calm down, but then she started yelling at me and accusing me of not being on her side. Looking at it now, it's wasn't actually that bad, but my anxiety has been getting worse lately. And she also kind of reminded me--well, not her exactly, just the way she was yelling at me, she just kind of reminded me of him." I took another deep breath. "Of...John.   And it scared me a little"

"Wow. It sounds like you've both been through a lot in the past few days. We're you eventually able to calm her down?" Dr. Marilyn asked kindly.

I nodded. "Yeah, eventually. I just told her that I wasn't going to dump her."

Dr. Marilyn nodded. "Yup, that sounds like BPD behavior to me! Have you done any kind of research on it at all?"

I shook my head sheepishly. "Unless you count reading the Wikipedia page as research."

"That's something. I don't want to spend this whole session explaining the complicated nature of BPD, so I'll give you some websites to get more information. Is that alright?" I nodded, running a hand through my hair. It was so long. "Just to warn you, BPD is a very serious mental illness, and living with is is a daily battle. It can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has it, and I completely understand if you think it would be best to end the relationship after doing some more research on it. The problem with BPD is that most people have other mental illnesses that, in a sense, branch off from BPD. So, Karlie may have BPD, but she could also be struggling with other things such as anxiety or depression."

I paused for a second before answering. This was just so much. I felt so bad for Karlie. All of the times I encountered her, she seemed so positive and sunshine-y. Now, I wondered if that was all acting, and her smiles were all fake. "Wow. That must be so horrible for her. I mean, my anxiety sucks, but it's just one thing."

Dr. Marilyn smiled. "You are such a caring person, Taylor. But, sometimes I wonder that you think too much about others, and not enough about yourself. You have to think about where you are in your life right now. You're extremely happy, you have amazing friends, and your career has never been more successful. A relationship right now could possibly affect all of these negatively. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be dating. I just want you to think about yourself as well as others."

I sighed, long and loud. "Okay, I'll think about it."

"You really like her, huh," Dr. Marilyn said softly.

I smiled, "Yeah."