The Letters

Mommy and Daddy

October 12 ,2010

Dear Mom and Dad,                                                                            

Let me start by saying that I loved you. I loved you two so very much but in the end, we all knew I was going to end up this way. You can't say that you never saw it. I know you thought that by sending me to therapy that I would some how become a new person. A person who didn't cry themselves to sleep, or a person that didn't fear the dark. We all wished for that to happen, but sadly enough it didn't. At the end of the day I still knew all the lies. No therapy session could change that.

Let me begin from the start. I always knew I wasn't your child. There was no way you could of gave birth to me mom. Your hair is a lush waterfall of chocolate brown and dad's bushy night sky hair couldn't equal my flaming red and wild hair. Even my bright green eyes were no match for your two's deep brown eyes. You were super tall mom; with long slim legs, and a body of a model. I on the other hand was on the short side. Well yes I had a slim body, mine would never measure up to yours. Dad on the other hand, well we can just assume he had a few too many hamburgers in his life time. With just our looks alone, I knew I I wasn't yours. If I were to go into everything else this letter would never end.

When I turned fourteen both dad and you conformed this for me. I told you that I wouldn't look for my real mom but that was a lie. It was the first lie in many that I told you both. Now that I look back, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth. I'm sure my life would still be a bit better if I had kept that promise. I found my real mom within months. It wasn't too hard really. I found all my adaption papers in the guest room. From there is was easy sailing.

When I showed up on her door step she looked at me with anger in her eyes. I could tell she was my birth mom. We both shared the same hair, same eyes, even our body types were the same. (It was that time I told you I was going to see grandma.) I told her who I was. She said she knew who I was. I could smell the l hard liquor that swarmed around her. It has a hard smell to take in. My lungs felt like catching on fire. Still, I stood there looking at her. She told me she wasn't my mom anymore. She gave me up and didn't want anything more to do with me. Heat rose to my cheeks at this point. Its not that I wanted her to become my mom again, it was just that I wanted to know where I came from. That was all. I left her door step. As I stood at the end of the drive way a guy pulled up. I'm pretty sure he was high but it didn't matter to me. I left her house and came home that night.

This was the start of my demons. Later that month I asked you guys if you knew anything about my past. I wish I hadn't asked. You told me I was conceived out of rape. That my birth mom thought she could rise me without feeling shame but she couldn't. I was two when she gave me up. By my second birthday she was doing drugs and caught by the cops. She told CPS that she no longer wanted me and that their was no other family. She signed me off to the state. That is when you two found me. You told me it was love at first sight. The two of you couldn't have children because some  childhood accident that happened to you mom. Since I was so young I didn't remember any of my childhood from my birth mom so you two told me I was yours. I guess you guys never thought I was figure it out. I wish I hadn't.

That story was another demon for me. My whole life had been one big lie. Everything you guys taught me about lying was a lie. You two had been lying to my my whole life. By the time I was fifteen I was lying to you guys a lot. At school I was the A+ student who loved her life but at night I would sneak out. I had a small group of friends no one knew about. We would head out to the woods to smoke pot. That's where I first had sex. Yes, I knew I told you guys that I wasn't but I was. You can add that to the list of lies I told. The therapy wasn't helping but when I went out at night to smoke I felt as if I was free. Nothing could hurt me there. I'm sorry.

At sixteen I was trying to get better. I really was mom and dad. I started to open up in therapy a little. The doctor said I was doing good. I was now only smoking pot once a week. I thought I was becoming a new person. I started to date Carson. I really thought we were going to be together. That we were going to be high school sweet hearts but I saw they way he acted around Zoe. They were meant to be the high school sweet hearts. So I broke up with him. I had no pain towards this because after a few months I saw how different the two of us were. So I was OK with it. I even tried to hook Carson and Zoe up a few times.

After I turned seventeen something bad happen to me. I never told you guys because I was so ashamed. I went out with some of my smoking buddies. While high one night a guy, who I didn't know, raped me. I was so high at the time that I didn't know what was going on until the next day. Afterward, I stopped smoking all together. I was so afraid of the same thing happening again that I stayed away from it all. Its why I pulled away from you two. I didn't want you to know about the demons that were swimming inside my brain. My showers became longer in hopes that the heat would drive them out of my body. Cutting followed soon after. I thought that maybe the demons would spill away with the blood. When none of that worked, I just gave up. I knew I had to live with my demons. I threw on a happy face every morning for the two of you. I threw on happy face for my teachers and friends. The only person I didn't have to fake around was with Zoe. She made me happy.

Of course we all know what happened six months ago. Now here we are, sitting at my doctors. He says there is no hope for me. Nothing we can do. I am a lost case if I am not willing to work towards a bright future. I know you are mad at me for not wanting to work hard but mom...dad...I am not happy. I can not sit here and spill my guts out to you because then you would be even more hurt. What is going on with me is all my fault. If I would of just kept that small promise to you two then none of this would be happening right now.

Don't ever forget how much I love you guys. You two helped rise me when my birth mom didn't want me. You didn't have to do, but you did. I am grateful that God gave me a chance. Sadly enough I screw that chance up. There is much to be learned from this. Please, take my story and tell it to the world. Let other kids know that they is another way to life. One where the demons can't hurt them and they can learn to release. My life was cut short but I don't regent the good things that happened. I'll never regent the love I had for you guys.

I love you mom. I love you dad. I must end this letter now. All good things must come to a end. A end...

Love, Summer