The Letters

Dear God

December 14, 2010

Dear God,                                                                         

I know this isn’t the type of letter you want to receive with it being so close to your son’s birthday and all but I feel that it is the right time for me to come face to face with you. My church and family have always told me to pray to God if I ever needed help. You were supposed to be there for me all the time. Ever since I was little I was told that it was your job to keep me safe. So for almost 13 years of my life I prayed to you every morning, every night, before dinner, and any time in between. I prayed that you would watch over my family, friends, people I didn’t know, and me. I prayed that you would lead us to safety and keep pain away. I prayed my little heart out to you. And what did I get? Pain. Misery. Death.

God, I thought it was your job to always be there for me. I thought it was your job to watch over me and keep my safe. I thought that you were the only person I could count one. Now that I sit here, watching my life fall apart around me, I know that none of the above is true. You were not there for me on the night I was raped. You were not there for me when my birth mom shut the door in my face. You were not there for me when I fell into the pressure of being a teen. There were so many times when you could have taken time out of your busy life to watch over me. At any point you could have sent me a sign to help me get back on the right path.

Why were you not there for me God?

I know deep down that this is all part of a grand plan but to be honest, this plan sucks. My life has to end in order to help another and that just sucks badly. I shouldn’t have to die. Tell me God, did you really think that this was the best idea? Was this the only one you could up with? Are these demons my punishment for committing sins? I thought you were supposed to be all forgiving?

It’s times like this that I wonder if you really are real. I question everything that I was taught because you seem to have gone back on all the words you spoke once. If you loved me so much God, why would you let these demons enter my body?

I use to cry myself to sleep almost every night because I felt alone. I felt like no body would understand what was going on. I felt that if I told someone, they would call me a slut. As if I asked for this! Sure, I may not have always been the shyest in the woods when we sat around passing the joint but I never acted like a slut. I only had sex with one guy! One stupid GUY! Is that why you turned your back on me God? Because I had sex with guy a few times here and there? It was only one guy. After we broke up I never thought about it again.

I just can’t understand. I really can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you would let something like this happen to a girl like me. I had so much coming up in my life. I was going to be a senior. I was going to go to prom, then college and then have a family. I worked so hard on my SAT and ACT tests. I already had my college picked out and Zoe was going to go with me. We planned everything.

Who is going to be Zoë’s roommate now? Who is she going to party with? How about who is she going to study with? Who will be by her side during college? It won’t be me. Why did you let this happen?

If you had planned already for me to die, then why would you let me have such a beautiful friend? Why would you give me a gift of dance? Why would you give me wonderful parents who don’t deserver to lose a child?

You see God; it is just not me that you hurt. You are hurting my parents every day. If you can see all, then why can’t you see the pain you are causing them? My mom cries almost every day and my dad can’t look at me. My dad is taking this the hardest. I am his little girl and he is about to lose me. That isn’t fair! Why are you being so unfair GOD!

Think about after I die. Zoe will be crushed because I don’t have the heart to tell her what is going on. When I miss school, I just tell her that I wasn’t feeling well. When she asked about my weight loss, I told her I was working out more in my dance class. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that when I got the flu, I got it so bad that I threw up for a week. When she watches me go to the nurse every day before lunch, I tell her that I am taking vitamins. I don’t tell her that I am really taking pills to try to control the demons inside of me.

Sometimes I wonder if Zoe knows that something is up but I know she will never say anything to me until I say it first. I can’t tell her. Every time I try the words get stuck in my throat and I run away. Zoe is my best friend and I can’t even tell her that I am dying!

And you know why I am dying? I am dying because you were not there for me. You were not there to save me when Michael rapped me! You sat back and watched me be in pain. And that hurts…it hurts so much God. You never came to help me.

To be honest, I know I am a part of a plan and I have grown to feel pride in it but it will never change the amount of hurt I have. Times like this, I wonder if you are real. Times like this I don’t want to believe but I still go to church every day in hopes that you will see my pain. I hope you understand everything I have said because I don’t want this to happen to another girl.

I guess the only real good thing to come out of all of this, is Sean. So I thank you for that and I let you be now God. Take in what I have said and please do a better job next time.

Love, Summer