The Letters

The power of hate

November 20, 2010

Dear Michael,

I hate you!

HATE!

I hate your guts!

HATE!

I hate the way you walk!

HATE!

I hate the fact that I have to look at you!

HATE!

I hate the fact that in science class you are my lab buddy!

HATE!

I hate the way you look at all the girls in the classroom like they are a piece of meat!

HATE!

Pure Hate!

I hate every little thing about you Michael and there is nothing any one can say that would change those feelings. I HATE YOU! You are an arrogant son of a bitch!

Did you think that I would never figure it out? Were you really that stupid Michael? I mean, yeah for a while I still didn't understand fully what had happen. At the time you were just some guy that had showed up for a high that night. Some random guy that I climbed into a truck with. A random gay who hurt me in more ways then anyone else could imagine.

It wasn't till one day in science class that it finally hit me. It was the way you put your hand on my shoulder and told me “Thank you,” for helping you on that last problem. It was in the same tone of voice you used that night. “Thanks,” is what you said afterward before pushing me off the side. I would never forget that voice.

Then like that, a bright light shinned in my head and the dark shadow that had been haunting my dreams came to life. Want to know who that shadow was Michael? IT WAS YOU! The darken face that kept me awake was yours. And it really hit me that day when I watched you climb into a bright red truck. Hmmmm, wonder where I have talked about a bright red truck before. Right, it was when I told my parents about the rape. I've talked about it in my other letters. I've seen the bright red truck over and over in my dreams.

There it was. The face of the shadowed guy climbing into the bright red truck that haunted my dreams. I put one and one together which equaled you as my rapist. Now knowing who you were made my life so harder. Knowing that I had to go to the same school with you. Knowing I would see you ever day pf the week. Knowing that you worked at the local store that I shopped at killed me. It made all the demons inside come to even more alive.

Because of you I am in pain every morning when I wake up. Because of you I have to see the sadden look on my parent's faces when they look at me. I am no longer their sweet little Summer any more. I am now a dying child and they know that. I have to listen to my mom cry almost every night as she prays to God to help me. My dad can hardly talk to me without becoming angry and its not that he is mad at me. It’s that he is mad at you. You did this!

You couldn't just keep it in your pants that night, could you? Was Victoria not giving you enough? Is that why you felt the need to take advantage of a hopeless girl? You knew DAME good and well that I couldn't fight against you. At still, you held me down. With the tears pulsing from my eyes you held my arms down with such forces. You pushed yourself into me over and over and over causing so much pain. You kissed my lips sloppy, leaving the wet trail marks of your spit on my face.

It was nasty! It was ugly! I hated ever moment of it. I hated it all!

HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

Do you understand that? Or do I need to clear some of that up? Because I really hate you.

You see these scars on my arms. They are from you. After you took me home, for real. I cried on the floor of my room for almost an hour. Then slowly I made my way to the bathroom where I scrubbed my body to the point of pain. Add the steaming hot water and you got one really red girl. My skin hurt for three days. Soon after another hot shower and scrubbing followed. About a month later I scrubbed my skin so hard and raw that blood spilled from my skin. Seeing the blood made me feel kind of better.

So guess what I started doing in hopes that I could forget that night? Cutting. It felt so good. My parents didn't know for long time until one night I might of cut too deep. My mom rushed me to the hospital. It was a long night that slowly folded into morning.

It was there, at that moment that I learned that you did more then just rape me. So congratulations! You ruined my life. Give yourself a big round of applause. I hope this makes you happy.

I'm done.

No wait, I have more to say to your ugly and cold soul. Fuck you! I am DYING because of you! The demons are tearing my body apart one limb at a time every day. I will never be the same because of that night. I can never look at myself the same because slowly my body is changing.

Next time, keep your buddy in the pants.

Now I am done.

Enjoy your time in hell.

-Summer