The Letters

The name that starts with B

November 5, 2010

Hello,                                                                                  

I'm pretty sure you don't remember me, but I can remember you. Well, almost remember you. I can't seem to remember you name. I think it started with the letter B but I could be wrong. Names were never really my thing. The first time I met Zoe it took me over three months to remember the easy three letter name. It’s sad, I know. What’s a girl to do, right?

I bet you are wondering why I am writing to you. It’s for your simple act of kindness. When we first met at the doctor's office you were a stranger and in some ways you still are.

We met one afternoon when I went in to talk to my doctor. You were waiting as well. Your black hair was cut super short and you had pretty much your whole right ear pierced. At first, I might of feared you but the moment you said “Hi,” to me that all melted away. How could I fear someone whose voice was as soft and loving as yours? I said “Hello, my name is Summer,” and you told me your name but again, I am sorry that I can't remember it as the moment.

We talked for about an hour before you were called into the Doctor's office. They had been really busy and some people had gone over their time. That hour we spent talking meant a lot to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I knew I wasn't alone. There were other kids out their, my age, dealing with the same thing as me. It meant a lot to me when you opened up about your past. I won't even know what it's like having to grow up in a bible thumping house as a gay son. I can't imagine it being easy. Nothing like that is ever easy.

I wish I had opened up to you like you had with me. At the time I was still so ashamed of my rape that I didn't even want to think about it. I was still at the stage of if I pushed it to the back of my mind then it would go away. I did how ever show you my scars. That was a big thing for me. No one knew about those. I'm not sure why I felt OK with showing you but I did. You didn't even judge me. In fact, you rolled up your pant legs and showed yours. Again, I knew I wasn't alone. You told me you quite three months ago. Knowing that you could quit helped me gain the strength that I needed to quit.

I have been cut free now for one whole month! I’m very proud of myself because believe me, it wasn’t easy. Every time I felt one of my demons knock at the back door I would reach for my razor and then stop. I would think back to you. You in some ways helped me quite. I would pull my hand away from the razor and go help my mom with something. Helping people kept my mind clear of cutting. Every time one of my demons showed up I would run to someone in need of help. I can’t even tell you how many cookies I helped my mom bake for the church bake sale. Just know that it is A LOT!

I haven’t seen you since that day in the doctor’s office. I hope you are doing well and that you are still cut free. After quitting I don’t wish that pain on any one. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and every time I do I can picture you as a butterfly. Why you may be asking? Because a butterfly is free. They spend their days flying from flower to flower as happy as can bee. No one tells them which flowers they have to go to. They get to chose. I hope one day that you get to choose the life you want to live.  A life where you can be free from the hate of loved ones. A life where you can fly from flower to flower, morning to night, as a free person. It’s beautiful isn’t it? I wish this beauty on you.

When I pass away, I want you to have something. You see, I have this bracelet that says hope. My best friend Zoe gave it to me one year for my birthday. I haven’t taken it off since the rape because I hope for freedom. My freedom will be coming soon for me so I want to pass on the hope. I hope for you the freedom that belongs to you. I hope you will wear the bracelet every day as I have and dream for hope. I know that hope will come to you as it has for me. Hopeful your hope will be a better life.

Thank you.

Love, Summer

P.S. BLAKE! Your name was Blake. Thank you Blake.