The Letters

A Beautiful Life

December 10, 2010

Dear Zoe,                                                                         

Your beautiful, bright, and one of the smartest people that I know Zoe. When everything seems to be falling apart around you, you keep a clam head and go forward. You know who you want to be. You talk about it all the time when we sit under our willow tree. You tell me that you want to go off and the see world before settling down to become a math teacher. I see you becoming someone even more amazing then you are now. Crazy you may say. Nope, I don’t think so.

I’ve heard it said before that as people grow in age then grow in their inner beauty as well. You will only grow from this beautiful bud into a magnificent rose. I know this truth for you because I can already see it in your eyes. I saw it this morning when you were talking to me about your summer trip to Germany. The way you described the food you would be eating, the people you would meet, and all the things you would be doing made you grow brighter. You eyes had a shin to them this morning. You are a star Zoe and what do stars do best? The shine, so shine Zoe as you grow into a beautiful life.

When we would sit under our willow tree talking about the people we wanted to be and you would ask me what I wanted to be. I would look over at you with a questioning look and say “I don’t know. I guess I want to be a happy person.” Well, after the last few months I have come up with the person I wish to be, even if it is only for a few more months. I’d like to share this with you Zoe in hopes that it may help you understand the truth of me. Maybe it help you be able to move on after I pass away. Please, keep an open mind as I tell you about the person I wish to be.

Of course, I still stand by my first answer. I want to be a happy person. I want to be someone that can wake with a radiance of joy shinning from my face. Even if my body is in pain that morning I still want to be able to see the joy in the day. I want to be a person who can see the good in everyone around me. I’ll see the good even if the person has cause harm to another. I know that they are a child of God and so some where deep down they still have some light of good in them. I want to be the person who helps them see that good light and maybe they can change their life around. I know it sounds crazy and I am sure you are saying that it is not possible. But Zoe, what if it is possible. It is said that those who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones who do change the world. I’m crazy enough to think it so maybe I will.

I want to be able to help people understand that the bad things that happen can be beautiful. My demons in a sick and twisted way are very beautiful. Once my demons have fully taken over other people will be able to learn from me. So many people will hear my story and know that things can be done differently. They will have a better view on life. Isn’t that beautiful? The thought that someone waking up with joy and knowing that they day as only started and it’s not the end seems beautiful to me. And the knowing that it was my story that taught that to them is even more beautiful.

I no longer look at this in a bad way. For over two months now I have sat around causing at God for my pain. I have blamed so many people in my life that really, had no clue what was going on. I put blame on my birth mom, my parents, Victoria, and Michael. But did I ever take the chance to sit down and put some blame on myself? No. I am the one who choose to hang around Victoria knowing what she was into. I am the one who choose to go behind my parent’s backs and see my birth mom. I am the one who choose to take that puff of weed that night. And I am the one who choose to get into that truck knowing that it wasn’t a good idea.

I made mistakes too these last few years of my life. These are mistakes I can’t take back so why should I wallow in them. They are in the past and I am in the present. They are two different times and not meant to over lap. I have also chosen to stop living in the future.  Why should I put so much time into “What could happen,” when I could put all that time into living NOW! The truth is all I have is NOW! So I am going to be the person who lives in the NOW!

I’ll take the time to smell the roses and count every star in the sky. I’ll watch each piece if grass grow tall and strong. I’ll take the time needed to enjoy the game of cloud watching. I’ll listen to each word said to me with full understanding. I won’t let a bad word or sad feeling tell me how I should act. I’ll enjoy the feel of the morning dew on my bear feet. I’ll paint with all the colors of the wind. I’ll be me.

The truth is that there is no better way to live life then in the NOW. I wouldn’t let anyone tell me other wise. This is the person I want to be for the last few months I have left on this planet. So you may start seeing a change in me. Know that this change is for the better. Don’t think that I am being over positive because I am not. It’s called living my life and I’m going to enjoy it.

When other people see that I lived my life to the max they will follow. It will be like a chain reaction and I will know that I caused it. Do you see the beauty in this yet? I see the beauty of it and I love it. I no longer have to look at this as a bad thing Zoe. I know all is good. How could you not see that?

Remember those times under the willow tree. You would tell me the great things you would do with your life and I would say “I don’t know.” Well I know now! This is what I want to be Zoe and I hope that you can understand it. Please Zoe, understand and see the beauty. My life will not end in darkness but in light. For when I die I will be free from all the demons. I die knowing I lived in the NOW. I’ll be in the arms of God once again. I’ll rest in peace. I’ll get to become one of the many stars in the night sky. I’ll be one the beautiful colors in the sunset or the drop of dew in the morning light. Who could ask for anything more beautiful then that?

I embrace the now. I know all is well and I call it good.

Love, Summer