The Letters

Love and Lost

December 1, 2010  

Dear Sean                                                                                  

“Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.” --Kezia  

I don’t want to have to say goodbye but this is a must. We have known for awhile that this day was coming. It is a day that we will have to forever part. I’ll be going upwards into the bright light of the havens and you will have to move forward onto better things.

Our story is beautiful in its own way. Please remember it with me on this day.

We met at the hospital one day about a year ago. Something was messed up with my meds and the doctor had wanted me to spend the night so that they could keep a watchful eye over me. So that’s what I did. With my overnight bag by my side I rode the elevator up to the ninth floor and checked myself in. The nurse on duty that afternoon was super nice. She greeted me with a smile. We talked for a few minutes about the weather outside as we walked down the hall to my room.

It was like any other hospital room I had stayed in. The too clean smell burned the inside of my nose with each breath I inhaled. Each wall was painted with a dull white color with reprinted paintings hung up in golden frames. A window on the far end of the room gave me a view of the city that I had learned to hate since I started coming here. Its not that I hated the city it self just that I hated the fact the only time I saw the city was when I was in the hospital. Across from my bed was another bed with an older looking woman sleeping soundly. She looked peaceful and I found myself asking if she was here for the same reason as I.

Since I wasn’t really there for anything more then to be watched the nurse said I was welcome to keep my clothes on for now unless the doctor said other wise. I put my bag under my bed and climbed into the rock hard bed I would be sleeping in that night. I had to wait till the doctor came to talk to me before I was allowed to walk around the building.

My doctor that time was an old man with graying hair that only rested on the sides. His too big for his face glasses were falling off the edge of his nose. I had to keep my giggles in. The whole time we talked I realized that I kept asking myself the same question over and over. “How was this guy still a doctor?” Let’s be real here. He had to of been at lest as old as my grandma. This between you and me is super old. Afterwards I was free to explore till lights out.

I was walking around the building, talking to random people when I came to the giant window in the lobby. I knew that some where outside there was a garden that patients could sit in was. I had never been to it before so I thought I would take a walk outside. With a big push on the door I was walking along the paths that lead towards the garden.

That’s when I saw you. You were sitting in the garden with the hospital grown on and a light blue hoodie on top to keep you warm. Your skin was pale but it was mystic looking with the way the sun shinned on you. For a second I thought maybe you were one of those vampires from that twilight book. I couldn’t help but giggle as I picture you standing next the vampires from those books shinning light onto our world. You looked up at me and I could feel the heat rise on my cheeks. Quickly I stopped and looked away.

“What is so funny?” You asked, you voice soft with a hint of laughter in it. I looked back up at you with a smile. I was glad that you didn’t seem mad.

“Nothing, I was just picturing you as one of those shinning vampires from those books.” I said, walking towards you.

“Those horrific things? You couldn’t imagine me as a badass vampire who fears the light because of death?” Your smile grew wider. I sat down next to you as the two of us laughed together.

That was the start of something beautiful that day. We spent the next few hours sitting there talking about random stuff that went on in our life. You told me about your family and school life. I told you about my best friend Zoe and the things I liked. Some how, you even got me to talk about why I was there. You were the first person I told. At first I thought you would run away in fear of the horror story I had to tell but you didn’t. Instead you looked me straight in the eyes and said the same thing. I couldn’t understand how someone as nice as you could end up in a place like me.

Our friendship didn’t end that day at the hospital garden. We gave each other our phone numbers and e-mail. A week after that first meeting we got together and saw a movie. Movies became Saturday lunches and those became hanging out at each other’s house. I can recall a time when we were at your house on the couch watching a movie and talking. Slowly, I watched as you inched closer and closer to me until our shoulders were touching. Then, just like that, you took my hand. It was a simple gesture but I knew it would lead to something amazing. We sat like this on the couch for the rest of the night.

Soon our movie get together became dates and holding hands turned into cuddling. I soon found myself falling for you and boy was I falling hard! After six months I took a fall for the worse with my demons. I ended up in the hospital for a week. You were there by my side the whole time. I can remember waking up to your abnormal coco colored eyes and me reaching upwards to run my hands through your thick brown hair. I always loved playing with your curls.

Do you remember what you said to me the day before I was released? It was the three most beautiful words I ever heard from someone. Three words that I will never forget because they mean the world to me. You said “I love you.” I can remember my heart stopping because I loved you to. I loved you so much but what I was about to tell you I knew would brake your heart.

“Before I say I love you back, I have to tell you something.” I said, looking away from you. I wasn’t ready for the pain I would find I those eyes after I told you. You leaned backwards against the wall.

“I’m not doing this any more. I’m done with the meds and I’m giving up the fights. My demons are in charge now.” I kept my head down the whole time. The two of us sat in silence for what seemed like an hour.

“Well, let’s live life as if tomorrow is our last.” You reached your hand outwards to me. I looked up from the floor at you. Our eyes meet and I knew at that point that you were my soul mate. With a smile on my face and tears in my eyes I reached for your hand. The moment our skin touched you pulled me into your arms holding on tightly.

“I love you too.” I whispered into your ear.

Sean, you are an amazing person who has a beautiful soul. You are my soul mate and I love you so very much. While I write this letter tears fall from my face causing a river down the pages. We have shared so many beautiful times together in the last year and I can tell that those times are about to end. With each day I become worse. The demons inside me are causing pain with every movement of my body.

My days are coming to an end. So before I leave I need you to know that I love you Sean. I will dream about you every day up in the sky. I’ll tell my sweet little angel child about the wonderful boy who made the last year and half of my life a joy because Sean, you have. I don’t know if I would have made it this far if I didn’t have you in my life.

I need you to do something for me. When I die, Zoe is going to the beach and full filling my dream. I want you to go with her. Go with Zoe to the beach and help her write my name in the sand. I need you to let me go so that you can grow happy again like we were together. Remember that I am going to a better place. Some place where the demons no longer hurt me. So cry in joy. I also ask that when you see an eagle flying above, think of me. I am free.

I also want you to not give up like me. I need you to live a long and beautiful life. You have so many dreams and hopes, so please keep living. I don’t want to see you again until you are old and gray. Do you understand? Fight every day for me. Fight for our love and live each day. I love you.

You’ll always be the guy that I never got a chance to have for forever.

Love forever and always, Summer