The Letters

Whining Chat Rooms

November 10, 2010

Dear Rob,                                                                                

I don’t know you in person. I met you online in a chat room that my doctor recommend to me. At first I thought it was silly. Why would I want to talk to other people who were in the same place as me? All we would do is share sad stories and talk about our pain. How was that going to help me at all? Other then make me sadder. But my mom made me do it. She told me that it would be a lot of help and maybe I would become strong again.

At first the chat room was just as I thought it would be. A bunch of whining people talking about how bad their life was. Just to humor my mom I stayed in the chat room for one hour. Just before I signed out of the room you popped up.

“Any one here not crying over their life?” You typed.

“Oooooooo! Me, I’m not crying. Talk to me!” I typed.

I typed back so fast that I’m sure some of my keys fell off the key board. Soon after we were talking in our own chat box. I spent so much time laughing while talking to you. After that day we made a daily time to both get online and chat. Those were some of my favorite chats. My friend Zoë always wondered why I had to get home after school at five o’clock. At this point she still doesn’t know. I feel bad keeping something like this away from her but I don’t need her to worry about me. I guess I found it so easy to talk to you because we didn’t have a physical friendship. I’m not even sure how old you are. For all I know you are a 99 year old man but I’m sure that’s not it. You sounded as if you were maybe in college. Am I right? Are you in college? Anyways, back to what I was saying before my rant on your age. I figured that when I was ready to end this life that you would forget and move on. Maybe thats another reason it was so easy to talk to you. I didn't have to be happy when talking to you. 

We had some good times online. We even made up nicknames for each other. Mine was Daisy because that was my favorite flower. Yours was Pong because of that story you told me about that party you went too. You were the winner of three beer pong games in one night. I thought that was super crazy. I fear the next person who asks you to play a game of beer pong.

Please find another online friend who you can make laugh when everything seems so dull in their life. Tell them the crazy story about your beer pong wins. Tell them how some people don’t understand what we are going through. That some times the only people you can trust are others who are in our shoes. Other people need to hear this. It would mean a lot to me. Because there was some days I didn’t think I would make it but talking to you showed me that I would. We are pretty much in the same boat right about now. I wish that you will fight longer and live longer then me. I have given up on my life. There is no more hope for me. I am a lost cause as my doctor says every time I go to see him. My parents yell at me about once a week. They can’t understand why I don’t want to live any more. They will never understand the demons that slice at me every night. The demons that haunt my dreams are sometimes worse. Seeing me die over and over almost every night in my dreams doesn’t help any. When I wake up, I wish I was already dead for good.

There is nothing left here for me but for you Rob, there is so much. Get the help you need and move forward in life. You’re too kind hearted to leave your human suit yet. I don’t want to see you up in haven any time soon. I’d have to get God to send you back to earth before you could blink.

Thank you for coming into the chat room when you did. You made me see that my passing can be one of joy. It means a lot to me. Thank you for getting online every day for almost a year now to talk to me. In fact as we talk now I can’t help but laugh at the story you are telling me. Some people’s children need to be smacked for being so dumb. If I was there, I would hold your hand. I’m sure one day you will find a girl who won’t be so dumb.

Live a beautiful life for me, ok Rob. I’ll miss our five o’clock chats.

Love, Summer