The Letters

Jessica

December 7, 2010

Dear Jessica,                                                                             

I always wanted a little girl that I could name Jessica and who would share my wild jungle woman hair that burns brightly next to the sun. We would share the same bright green eyes that match the new spring leaves. You might even have freckles that layer upon your fair skin. The two of us would enjoy going on walks, feeding ducks, and of course reading stories into the late night until you drift asleep. Then I would carry you into your room where I would lay you down so that you can have sweet dreams.

You and I would be storybook perfect. People would look to us as the thing that always wanted. I’d love you and you would love me.

Of course we will never get the chance to share this. My life will end before I get the chance to have you. I wish every day that I would be able to hold you on the day you are born. Your dad would be standing next to us smiling down at you. I know that you would be a beautiful baby because I was the cutest thing as a baby. My heart would stop as I look into your eyes first the time, a smile running across my face. My heart with joy as well as sadness as I think about the day that will never come.

I want you to know my sweet child that the chose I made was not all up to me. If I could choose I would choose to not have become friends with a girl who left me to be hurt by another. I would choose not to wake in pain as I look at myself every day. I would choose not have demons invaded my body. I would choose to live a happy life with the guy I love. I would choose to have you to hold and to love.

Your hands would be so tiny compared to mine. I would spend hours holding them inside of mine and kissing them. Each time you would smile or giggle I would giggle back as I grabbed your hands. I’d make funny noise at you and smile widely. I wish so dearly that I would get this chance with you. Remember my sweet Jessica, I didn’t choose not to have you.

I’ll always think about you and the things you could have been. I bet you would be great at dancing because I was. Before all the demons took over my body I use to dance for hours. I took many classes while growing up and took part as a back up dancer for many of the school’s musicals. I always dreamed of going off to be a great dancer so it only makes sense that you would be great at dancing as well. I am also sure you would have a great friend like I do. Mostly likely it would be Zoë’s child.

I also imagine that you are super smart much like I was in school. Since I didn’t have may friends I had a lot of time to study. All my classes I was at lest a B student if not an A student. English was my best class because I loved to write and read. My middle school English teacher taught me a lot about the truth of writing. Ever since then I have found that I love to write. Maybe you will love to write as well. If not writing then maybe painting will be your thing. The guy I love and mostly likely would be your dad is a wonderful painter. I don’t care what you love to do as long as it would make you happy. That is all a mother could ask for their child. To be happy.  

If I was to have you, I would write to you every day up until your birth date. Then, I would write to you every day until your 18th birthday when I would give you each notebook for each year. Inside my love and worries for you would be wrote down along with my hopes and dreams for you. In every note I would always write I love you at the end because I do love you. Even if you are not here now and never will be I will always love you.

As sad as it makes me, I must end this letter. I wish I could keep writing to you every day but my days are cut short and I have much to do. I hope to meet you some day, maybe in another life. You are my dream little girl.

I love you baby girl.

Love, Mommy