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Chapter Twelve - Past

We are sat in the tree house, relaxing and chatting about this and that. I'm still not sure this is a good move, but I've decided to take the plunge. Maybe this will be good for me. It feels good to have friends.

Nate and Deacon had come round as if it were completely natural, and I hadn't been missing for the last week. Even through they hadn't said anything I could tell they were relieved to see me. Nate gave me a quick side hug, and Deacon tugged lightly on my hair, but that was it, no questions, no interrogation. I'm not sure what it was they all saw in me, but I wasn't about to correct them just yet.

I didn't speak much mainly just listening to them, not always understanding the details' as I didn't know the people it related to. They were all making an effort to include me though, and I could tell they wanted me to be involved.

Inevitably the topic drifted to family, and I cringed internally. I hated this part. I didn't want those eyes filled with sympathy and then discomfort. That hollow space in my chest throbbed. God, would it always be this way?

Yes.

"It's just me and my mum." I told them trying to skirt details, looking down at my hands, fingers twisting together.

"Your parents split?" Nate asked me curious but a trace of sympathy evident in his words. A divorce. If only. Wait until they knew the rest.

"Um. No." I took a deep breath letting the words out along with my exhale. Maybe I could just tell them. Get it over with.

"My dad and sister died in a car crash 9 months ago, last Tuesday." I just kind of vomited the words out. That's how it always felt when I said it out loud. Acid burning my insides, up my throat and out, making me dizzy and faint, but I did it anyway. I'm not sure why I told them. But seconds later it was out, my mess rotting in the air around us.

Memories swept my mind. Laughing with Kate. Sitting chatting in the garden with my dad about books we were reading. Trying on dresses and random outfits, messing around at the shops. Sneaking into the house after staying out too late with our friends. My mum and dad kissing in the kitchen. Kate running ahead of me down the street. A day at the beach, Mum and dad on the sand, kate and I surfing the waves. Memory after memory filled my mind. Then the worst memory came and so did the pain, so much pain.

I returned to the room were I sat.

Silence.

Not looking up, I felt the dread build as I pictured their faces. My dads and sisters, and then the boys in front of me.

Hands took one of mine and held. "Thank you for sharing with us May." I lifted my head slowly and was astonished to not see distance or dutiful pity, but instead a sorrow and what felt like understanding. How could they understand?

They couldn't.

Still, that look seemed different from the ones I'd learnt to expect. My lungs released and I sagged. I collapsed onto my back. No one spoke. We all simply were still and quiet, thinking about life, thinking about how cruel it could be. As I lay there in the low light of the setting sun, surrounded by these mysterious boys who had somehow sneaked past my walls, I let myself think of the good that life gave as well, for the first time in a long while.

Then after what felt like hours I told them stories about my dad and Kate, sharing the past. There were times when I had to stop, my throat locking up, things getting too much. They let me go slow. They waited and listened. I told them about my mum, her over working to deal with her own loss. I didn't go into too much detail, just giving them some of the clip notes.

"My dad was my mum's soul mate, and now he is gone and she has to get through each day knowing she will never see him again. Then losing her baby on top of that. She's amazing for being so strong." I tell them, words feeling practiced. It was true, but not the whole truth of what I felt.