Ross You're What?!

Dear God

Ross Pov

Welp, I just had a well fuck moment. There are three ways you can have a well fuck moment, one way is that you just saw or heard something you didn't think could happen. The second one is when someone loses a bet and goes "well fuck". The third one, the one I'm currently a victim to, is when you wake up one morning have weird cravings for chocolate and salmon, puke, watch your stomach grow over a month, get cream for the stretch marks then have your boyfriend joke that your pregnant.

Then for shits and giggles you go and buy a pregnancy test, to prove him wrong, then learn that your pregnant. And you're a man. Well Fuck. At this point I'm not sure either to laugh my ass off or be scared as hell, I went with scared as hell. I tried the test six more time, they all told me I was pregnant.

 Plan B.

 "BARNEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" He looked up just as I hip-checked him with unnecessary force back into his office,

 "Heys wat the hells Rott?" he asked picking himself off the floor, I peeked around the door frame and closed the door locking it.

 "I need your help man, and google" I said trying to sound nonchalant, then again I just learned I was pregnant and I just hip-checked Barney back into his office. I was very chalant, and terrified.

I pulled a bagel out of my pocket and started to eat it, don't judge me I eat when I'm terrified okay.

Barney finally got the message and gave me a concerned look "wat yous need Rott" he asked putting his hand on my shoulder,

 "I need a chocolate bar and your opinion". He pulled a Hersheys bar out from his desk and told me to take a seat, I sat on the floor, his carpet is really soft okay?

 He sat down with me, "Okay Rott tells me, wats you needs?"

I think I just felt blood rushing to my cheeks, "Barney I think I'm pregnant". On any normal day he would have laughed his dinosaur ass off and congratulated me on my acting, but today he just gave me this look and handed me the hersheys bar.

"you no jokes?" he asked, I shook my head. "Well Fucks" See right there another well fuck moment, right from reason number one.

"How Barney? I thought only females could get pregnant, I am a full grown man here" I said cramming the chocolate in my mouth, it was the almond kind, it was still really good. Barney scooted next to me, laid down and put my head in his lap, now I know what women suffer through, how do they manage six to nine months of this shit?

 I can barely live through ten minutes of these intense emotions, and being really touchy feely all the time, I have a feeling everyone was getting kind of annoyed with that but they still let me. I have some great friends don't I? And I thought I was just going through a big mood swing, no hospital experience could get me through this, EVER. Barney ran his fingers threw my hair, it felt really nice and surprisingly calming, this must be what Max was talking about when he said I was a big puppy.

Then it hit me like a bullet train "Oh Fuck! How am I supposed to tell Max?" I asked sitting up so quickly Barney fell back in surprise.

 Bad decision.

 I quickly unlocked the door and ran to the bathroom, I puked up breakfast while Barney rubbed my back soothingly, after a few minutes of heaving I got up and rinsed my mouth. Never got used to puking.

 And Max wasn't in the office something about visiting his aunt in Louisiana, he should be back by tomorrow but that didn't help with the fact that I'm pregnant.

"Yous goods now?" Barney asked as he guided me back to his office,

"No Barney, I'm still pregnant and I don't know how that's pos-" then it hit me like Max's face. "So That's what they did" I said logging onto Barney's computer and opening Google

 "What did theys dos?" Barney asked looking over my shoulder his face stuck between rage and curiosity.

 "Well Barney I have AMH or Anti-Mullerian Hormone" I looked over my shoulder to see Barney pull a face of utter confusion "It means that I was born with a full functional uterus and ovaries, And a penis and scrotum" He bobbed his head as I started typing

 I continued "And a few years ago I panicked because I was peeing blood, my parents took me to the hospital. I didn't know what was going on so a nurse started telling me about AMH and how they were going to fix it. Well she thought they were going to fix it. But my parents had a feeling that I was homosexual and wanted me to be able to have a child and opted for option number two"

Barney pulled up a chair and sat next to me "Wat is option twos?". I opened an image of a diagram of the operation,

 "Well Barney look, originally it was attached to this-" I pointed at the screen "Then they moved it over to my rectum and made it stretcher forming a make-shift vagina"

 Barney looked completely disgusted and fascinated at the same time, "Sos you can gets pregnants?"

I leaned back in the chair satisfied that I solved the mystery of me being pregnant "Ye" I rubbed my belly me and Max's child rested in there.

Barney rubbed the back of his neck "so does this means wes should take you to the hospitals?" I yawned I wanted coconut all of a sudden, I can eat some when I get home.

 The one thing I can thank Max for was his ridiculous joke of buying some of the most ridiculous foods he could find in the store, I ate half of it by now. "I'm going to wait for Max. Can you give me a ride home? The mother needs his rest."