Finding Harley: Renegades MC Story

Chapter 45

Slowly waking, I reached up to rub the sleep from my eyes and confusion from my brain. From the lack of light in the room I assumed it was still sometime in the middle of the night. The last time I looked at the clock was around two when Axel and I finally collapsed in exhaustion. The damn man was insatiable and had the recovery time of a teenager.

Hell in just the five hours together he was able to take me eight times. No nine, I forgot the bathroom floor, which followed the time in the shower. Like I said the man couldn't get enough and neither could I.

Secluded in our sex bubble, we toned out the world as we feasted on each other, never seeming to appease that hunger. With a man like Axel I wasn't sure I ever would. He was like the world's sexiest addicting drug, my own personal cocaine.

With one last look at his sleeping face, I turned and eased my way out of his hold. Mumbling, he twisted until my pillow replaced me. Smiling I stared down at this masterpiece of a man that was mine for the night, committing all the details to memory.

And oh the memories.   There wasn't a muscle that didn't ache and I know for a fact several love bites littered my skin.    Axel loved to leave his mark on me, staking his claim he said.   Sadly he didn't realized my skin wasn't the only thing he left his mark on. 

My heart was begging me to stay, this time my body was on board with that decision. But it was my brain that fought against it. Now was not the time to deal with any type of relationship with a man like Axel. He was just too potent, too overbearing, too...everything.

I had to remind myself of my reasons. His infidelity. His inability to give me what I need. Sure he gave me the most amazing night of my life, but I needed more.

Quietly grabbing my clothes and dressing, my eyes barely wavering from his sleeping form. My heart ached at the thought of leaving him, but he wasn't mine. Sucking back the tears that threatened to fall, I knew leaving was the best option.

I had too much shit to sort out and I couldn't do that and deal with Axel at the same time. Plus I wasn't enough for him and I never would be.   Axel was still young and even though he was the President of a MC, he needed to get his own priorities straightened out. Club comes first, I knew that more than anyone.

Grabbing my phone off the side table, I leaned over and gave him one last kiss.

"Goodbye. I love you." I whispered.

Stirring briefly, he settled back into slumber as I made my way out of the room. As the door quietly closed behind me, my heart cracked as I walked away from the only man I have ever loved.

It sucked loving someone that was incapable of loving you back. Sure over time he might grow up and realize there was more to life that drinking, running drugs and fucking. But I wasn't willing to wait around until that day showed up. I owed it to myself to be happy. A life with Axel would only bring me pain.

"I didn't think you were the type to just sneak out in the middle of the night." The voice startling me as I made my way through the empty clubhouse.

Jumping, I slammed my hand over my mouth to contain my sudden scream.

"Dammit Mac, what the hell is your problem?" I whispered, trying to calm my pounding heart.

"Seriously. You have the balls to ask me that. Do you realize what the fuck you leaving is going to do to him?"

"Again with Axel. What about me? Why can't anyone give a fuck about me? And did everyone just miraculously forget that he screwed around on me? We shared one night. He knew that and didn't have a problem with it so I don't see why you do."

"Fuck that. The way I see it you just screwed him, in more ways than one. This will crush him, can't you see that? You mean something to him.  Hell you mean something to me too.   And I do give a damn so don't give me that shit."

Crush him? Who was he kidding? This was Axel we were talking about. From day one the man had women at his beck and call, a situation which he fully took advantage of. What happened between us was amazing, earthshattering, but I couldn't focus on that right now.

My heart may belong to him, but his did not belong to me. I had to accept that. I allowed myself one night so I would have something to remember him by. But by tomorrow Axel will return to the same man he always was, the guy who broke my heart. I couldn't be here for that.

"No it won't. He will have another girl by tomorrow filling up that spot. Woman to Axel are interchangeable. He doesn't do love or commitment, I get that now.  I also get your commitment is to the club and your President.  I know you care Mac, I do. But Axel and me don't make sense, not the way I need us to."

"Dammit Harley think for one fucking second. That man loves you and you are just going to fuck him over by disappearing. Don't you give a shit about him at all? I know what he did was unforgivable but so is what you are doing right now. I never took you for a coward."

No it wasn't...was it?

"Of course I thought about it. I love that man, but he is unable to give me what I need. Dammit why can't anyone get that? He is not ready for what I want and you fucking know that. This world is not what I want either. For once in my fucking life I am going to not worry about anyone else and concentrate on what's good for me. I need time...to find myself - is that too much to ask? Time to process all this shit and get my fucking life in order. As much as I want Axel to be included in that equation, he isn't."

"So instead of staying and fighting for the one good shot you have at happiness, you are just going to sneak out in the middle of the night? Newsflash Harley, one day you are going to have to stop running. Then what? You have friends here, hell even family...but that doesn't mean shit to you does it?"

Too stunned to answer I watched as a frustrated Mac banged his hand against the wall. "Look, I just want you happy Harley, but you are right. You need time to fix all that shit you have kept locked inside for the past several years. So go find Harley, but I want you to consider that fact that when you do work through everything and you decide that this is what you want and where you belong, he may not be waiting, then what?."

Slumping against the wall I let his words sink in. Mac had a point and I hated that.

"It is a chance I have to take. If I don't fix me, then I am no good to him. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, I am dying inside. My life...fuck, my life has been nothing but one shitty occurrence after another since I was eight. I need to stop running from my past and deal with it. I can't do that here. It is all getting to be too much...I am breaking and that scares the shit out of me." I choked out, my voice breaking.

Mac's arms pulled me in until my forehead rested on his shoulder. Tears soaked his vest as they dripped from my cheeks.

"I am sorry Harley, I just wanted to be sure you knew what you are leaving behind. Who you are leaving behind. I love you girl, hell a lot of the brothers do. Although fucked up, we are a family, your family. So go do your shit and then come back home."

"Thanks Mac. For everything. Take care of him for me will you. I never wanted to hurt him and honestly think this is for the best. I will call you when I can." With a quick hug and kiss, I left Mac standing in the doorway.

Looking up to the clubhouse my heart clenched at the thought of Axel waking up alone. But I couldn't be that girl who keeps making excuses for the man she loves. My entire life I have been alone, no one standing in my corner, everyone betraying me.

Hell my own family...

But I had hoped Axel could be that one person to not ever hurt me, but I was wrong, so wrong.  And that was what I need, what I wanted, what I deserved. One man to be completely in my corner, to love me and not betray me.   Axel proved that he wasn't that guy. So I had to ignore my heart and let him go.

I just hoped it wasn't a decision I would come to regret.