WARNING: THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK IS MENTALLY INSANE

Rant rant rant

I feel like I'm in a one-way mirrored box. It seems like everyone knows who I am except for me.

Maybe it's because I've been questioning myself lately. It sounds crazy but just a few weeks ago I was head over heels for this guy and suddenly I wasn't.

It's not like I don't find him attractive...? Like mostly it's a problem with me. See, it feels like I am more attracted to fictional characters than I am actual people.

And that's another thing. I'm 80% sure that I'm romantically attracted to only guys. Maybe. Heh, like I have any background to talk from. But I've really been questioning myself about that.

See, I like to joke with my friends that I'm lesbian. I know that I'm really not. When I walk into a room, I don't automatically scan for cute girls, but usually cute guys, so I know that. I don't know if I'm bisexual or maybe even something else, but the morning I started realizing that I had fallen more in love with this fictional character than an actual person, I decided to take a quiz.

I think I might be demisexual.

Now I'm kinda reluctant to post this. My sexuality feels like a private thing, a detail about me that no one asks about or really knows, like the fact that I love to dry flowers. Yeah. That's a thing.

Congrats you guys, you get to read my diary entry for tonight because I lost it. Whoop whoop.

Anyways. I think I might be demisexual for a few reasons, but mostly because I almost never experience immediate strong attraction. That happened, like, once. When I was like 11.

//and then it proceeded to ruin my life for four years but nvm//

I fall more in love with these fictional characters because I'm emotionally attached!! I'm a deeply emotional person whether I like it or not. And recently there have been boys flirting with me--a boy at the library who ran after me to ask for my number, a boy who sent me sweet messages on Instagram, a boy who smiles warmly at me every time I see him--but it doesn't really feel the same?? If t makes sense.

Look. I get that the, I dunno, four of you reading this don't really care. But this is kind of a big deal for me. My biggest fear, besides being mute, is being alone.

So I've only fallen truly in love with someone once, and those feelings weren't reciprocated, what do I do now?? What do I do when these sweet, nice, attractive boys approach me but I can't say yes because I don't want to be in a relationship where we settle, where we're content.

I want a relationship where I'm so in love it hurts, and that's why I think I'm demisexual. It's not fast and it's not easy, but hell.

There's a difference between being content and being happy.