Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

A recipe for disaster

A recipe for disaster

“Before we do this,” Joan said, “there are a couple of things you should know about me.” I sat on the edge of her bed, nervously awaiting the revelation of the toys she was hiding behind her back. “I need to be in charge and I don’t bottom. Ever.” Her eyes flashed with something I’d never seen before, maybe sexual anger, or some sort of scary darkness I wasn’t willing to acknowledge. “If you try to flip me over, which, let’s be honest, isn’t something you’d very likely succeed at,” she leaned towards me until her lips found my left ear, “I will punish you.” And all of that on one glass of wine. She produced a blindfold and, even before kissing me, tied it around my head, leaving me in the dark with my thoughts and growing fears. I heard the rustle of clothes being taken off − hers not mine. In a way, I was glad I didn’t have to be confronted with the sight of her muscles again, but, you know, she could have just switched off the lights. “Now.” A whisper in my other ear. “Let the fun begin.”

“Who exactly is this woman, Leesbian?” Alex and I stood with Liz in her kitchen. “She looks a bit intimidating.” He winked at Liz in a way that I could clearly see. “But you like that, don’t you?” He picked up a tray of glasses. “Have you tried her out yet?” And he left the kitchen.

“I’m sorry about Lou being here,” Liz said. “I asked Katy not to bring her, but I don’t have to tell you what she’s like.”

“Any chance she can get to spite me.” Liz handed me a bowl of cocktail dips.

“I’m glad you didn’t have to come alone.” She planted a kiss in my hair and walked into the living room with a bottle of champagne. Only then did I realise I had made a crucial mistake. To survive this night I would need at least one bottle for myself, which meant defying Joan in public. I had no idea how she would react to that, but, if last night was anything to go by, whips would definitely be involved.

We were all sat around the dining table. Lou and Katy strategically placed on the opposite outer end of where Joan and I were seated, Ben, Alex, Andrew and Liz squeezed in between. With this set-up, ignorance struck me as a valid option until Lou excused herself after the starter to smoke a cigarette on the balcony.

“How old are you?” Joan asked her.

“Twenty-nine,” Lou replied, taken aback.

“Are you telling me that a woman of your age and wisdom is making the conscious decision to smoke?”

“Erm, that’s what it looks like yes.”

“Please allow me to expose myself to your secondary smoke and go out on that balcony with you. I think we need to have a little chat.” Out of the gym she wasn’t that much of a bully, but she couldn’t quiet down the health freak inside.

“Be my guest,” Lou said and they walked out together.

“Quick,” I motioned to Alex, who was doing all the alcohol pouring that evening, “fill up my glass generously.”

“She’s got the thumb screws on, I see,” Katy interjected but I ignored her. I’d had two glasses of champagne before the meal and had then politely declined a refill of my wine glass, to Joan’s approval and Alex’s dismay. I looked outside and saw Joan pointing at Lou’s chest with a passion that could easily have been misinterpreted. I emptied two full glasses of wine in five minutes, the alcohol soothing my strung-out nerves. It was only nine o’clock. Somehow my friends’ presence and the joyous revelation that Liz was expecting twin boys couldn’t make me shake off the ominous feeling that this was going to be one long difficult Friday night.

To be continued…