Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Rebound

Rebound

“That was quick.” Jill rubbed the sleep from her eyes. It was well past midnight and no time to knock on anyone’s door, but there I stood, my face blotched and eyes red under the street lights, desperate for a hug. “You’re still single, I take it?”

“Extremely.”

She took my hand and pulled me inside her house. “Do you want to talk about it, or did you come here to forget?”

I realised I was taking advantage of whatever feelings she had for me, but I could have done worse. I could have gone to Lucy.

“I just want a warm body and a bed for the night.”

“There you go with your talk of romance again. You know how sensitive I am to that.” She thinned her lips into a sparse, mocking smile. “Come here.” She dragged me towards her by my sleeves and wrapped her arms around me. “Of course you can stay.”

“Thanks.” I let my nose sink into her mass of curls and tried to force images of Lou out of my head, images of the word ‘HELP’ on her t-shirt, images of the devastation on her face when she appeared in the doorway behind Claire.

“What are you going to do?” Jill asked. We sat in her kitchen, the only room we ever seemed to use apart from her bedroom, and she whisked eggs in a bowl for breakfast.

“Wallow in self-pity for a while and try to move on, I guess.”

“You’re such a realist. I like that about you.” She poured the eggs in a pan and started scrambling. Two minutes later she presented me with a sturdy breakfast I could never eat.

“I don’t want to string you along. I probably shouldn’t have come last night.” The smell of the eggs made my stomach turn. I shovelled them around on my plate a bit.

“You’re always welcome.” She pinned her eyes on me. “But I’m not going to be your rebound woman again.”

I understood, but it still felt like a rejection. I nodded and chewed on some eggs just to be polite.

“I have myself to think of.” 

“I should go,” I said and shoved my plate away. “Thanks for everything.”

She reached for my hand when I walked past her. “Don’t be a stranger, Lee.”

I held on to her fingers for a while, frozen in my spot next to her chair, and almost didn’t let go. The urge for comfort too overwhelming, but not enough to convince her to let me stay. Seconds later I was out on the street again, squinting into the sunlight that seemed too audacious, too bright for my mood. I went on my way to Kensington, on my way home but I didn’t go to Eleanor’s. Instead, I turned into a side street and then another until I was outside Lucy’s house. Joan always had clients on Saturday morning so, in that respect, the coast would be clear. My motives for being there were dubious, but I seemed to have ended up there without thinking, as if my body took me where it knew the most amount of love could be accessed, the kind of love I needed at that time, unabridged, unfaltering, a little disturbed, but limitless. I knew Lucy would shower me in it. She loved me like no one else did.

To be continued…