Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

The Big L

The Big L

“I didn’t sleep with Joan and I have no intention of doing so. I’m sorry for even considering it.”

“Did you lose your job?”

“No. Lucy sorted it out−”

“Your ex Lucy?”

“My boss Lucy.”

“But she’s also your ex.”

“Well, yeah−”

“And what did that cost you?”

“Nothing.”

“Am I meant to believe that the problem miraculously solved itself?”

“That particular one, yes. The one that’s really tearing me up right now, not really.”

“What’s that then?”

“You.”

“I’m not the problem. You are.”

“I realise that. Look, I’m sorry for what happened but, in the end, nothing happened. Come to think of it, I don’t even believe Joan ever intended on actually sleeping with me. Also, I wouldn’t have done it.”

“That’s easy to say now you’re off the hook.”

“Please, try to understand what I’m saying here.”

“What are you saying? All I hear are irrelevant excuses. I don’t deal in excuses, Lee. What I want is a clear unambiguous purpose, commitment and monogamy, not some half-assed attempts at trying to be with me.”

“I’m saying that I have pretty strong feelings for you.”

“You sure have a funny way of showing them.”

“I know you hate drama and unnecessary complications, things I’ve been known to attract−”

“Maybe you should ask yourself why you attract them, over and over again.”

“Can we just forget about the drama?”

“That’s a good one, Lee. You may actually make me laugh.”

“Just drop the front, please. I’m−”

“Give me one valid reason why I should change my mind.”

“OK. But you may not want to hear it.”

“Another conundrum. They seem to be falling from the sky these days.”

“I’m in love with you. I’m completely crazy about you and the thought of never seeing you again terrifies me even more than it saddens me.”

“Love? Really? You’re throwing The Big L at me now? You certainly seem desperate enough.” She drained the last of her spritzer and waved the glass in my face. “See this, Lee? This is my cue to leave. Time’s up.”

“But−”

“But what?” She slid off the bar stool, brushing my knee with her thigh for a split second, the touch re-invigorating my hope. “You may like me and, hell, I may even like you, but it doesn’t change the facts. You’re simply not someone I want to be with. You’re exactly the opposite, actually.”

“You don’t have to be so god-damned principled all the time, you know. But, I understand, heaven forbid that you may actually feel something.”

“I know you’ve been seeing a shrink and good for you, Lee, really, but there’s no need to throw your psychobabble in my face. I know what my issues are and I deal with them in my own way.”

“Oh yeah? Which way is that? The complete absence of love just in case someone may ever hurt you again? Talk about living on the edge. You’re basically a coward, Lou.”

“I am what I am by choice and I have no need to be judged by the likes of you.”

“Of course not. You feel much safer behind your self-made ridiculous no-relationships walls than with someone like me. I totally understand. Well, I hope you’re happy there”

“Bye, Lee. See you around some time.” And off she went, out of the pub and out of my life. I ordered another glass of wine and tried to come up with a new plan. When my brain failed to deliver after the first glass, I ordered another one − having always been a firm believer in finding inspiration at the bottom of any glass filled with alcohol. At least I still had my job, I thought, but the emptiness in my soul, the dark cavity that connected directly to my heart and what it kept on losing, seemed too much to bear without the boundless support of more booze. I’ll just be drunk and single for a while, I thought, before the ability of forming thoughts at all escaped me entirely.

To be continued…